"un-weaving" a rainbow

In my studying of meditation, atheism and religion i keep finding myself at an impasse. The only reason i use the word "impasse" is because i can't think of any other term. I guess, if you are like me, and don't care to follow religion yet believe that spirituality (for lack of another term) is a key element of humanism, you will come to this point. I find that although it isn't a comfortable place to be, it may not necessarily be the wrong place to be. Because really life isn't about comfort, is it? Life is about being present and constant change. I think if one ever gets too comfortable in life, they are setting up to fall hard when that comfort zone starts to crumble.

There are things i am adamant about when it comes these topics. I have been doing a lot of reading involving studies of the human brain and consciousness. There are things that scientifically solidify the fact that there isn't a driver of this car we'll call a human body. In other words, no separation between mind and body. We are body, not a thing inhabiting a body. So i have a hard time using the term "spirit" as it brings about the notion of such a thing. However, i believe that we have many untapped areas of our brain (other realms of consciousness) to be explored. But does this take on a spiritual nature just because we don't experience it at present? Everything stems from the brain, which is a physical organ so how can we separate physical and "non-physical" experiences??

The thing that i figured out is that there is nothing to figure out. Just as the tao teaches, there is no striving, because there is nothing to strive for. You are present, you are here. What you have been looking for this whole time has already been found. Whether this should lead to some desired feeling is up to each person. Again, looking for some "feeling" is another form of striving for something that isn't really there.

I think now i understand the psychology behind religion so much better now. It makes sense to want to feel part of something, and it gives comfort thinking someone is watching out for you in this mystery of life and it's the ultimate in comfort believing we have a spirit that will go somewhere pleasant after we die. I believe we should have a certain degree of separation from our feelings. Not in the way that one should become a cold and callous person, i mean in the way that we need to really understand what thoughts and feelings are. They derive solely from your brain.  So these feelings are your own reality and you can live in that reality or you can pop those thought bubbles and create new ones. I think we need to strive to not be a slave to these feelings and really this is where people "get stuck" in life. Another teaching of the tao and meditation is to lessen your attachments, not just physical things such as money/material things but lessen your attachment to feelings. If you keep feeling you were slighted in life because of your terrible upbringing then you will be living that reality. If you can un-attach from such feelings, you become a blank slate.

I think i am starting to form some very positive ideas from my research. Learning to meditate is so important in detaching oneself from thoughts. Thoughts are not reality, they only are if you allow them to be. Reality is the present moment. There is nothing behind you and nothing ahead. Try to understand an implement that thoughts are contrived and can be obliterated at anytime. This isn't easy. It takes a lot of practice. I am in no way able to achieve this for more than a couple seconds, but doing so reveals so much about the power of the human brain.

Also, atheists are good people. Great people, in f act. Atheists care about human rights and do not judge others based on their sexual orientation, race or any other factor that religions have been judging people on for centuries. Atheists do not worship the devil. There is no one to worship. My favorite thing i've heard about atheists is that getting a group of them together is like trying to herd cats because atheists are not followers! Ha, very true!

Funny how things reveal to you in life. Does un-weaving a rainbow make it any less beautiful? Not for me. It makes things more interesting.

constraints of consciousness

All people should ask themselves why they believe in a set of religious principals. It's not good enough to so strongly believe something "because". And because it's been told for centuries in a book. It's not good to so blindly follow something without investigation.

This is why I will not teach my children to follow religion. They need to experience the world with open minds and ask why. They need to see the world for what it is without false pretenses. They need to understand that all living things will die and not exist. They need to explore science. They need to be present. Because then they will be free to make their own educated choices.

I often wonder why my mom tells my kids her parents live with jesus in heaven. It's a bizarre concept to me. I wish she would say " I believe " before that statement. To a child it sounds absurd....because it is. We should all explore things as children do. Unless they are repeatedly told otherwise by adults, children are free from prejudice thoughts. What makes the sound of thunder? Angels bowling is one I used to hear. Funny because I always give my kids the real answer and they soak up this knowledge. They love it. Why should I deny them what just... is?? I will not tell them they will live on after death because that is absurd. I will tell them I don't know and no one knows. That people believe they know. But a belief is not based on any fact that we can prove. And, yes, that's why they call it faith I suppose. But don't let anyone tell you that you need faith. You don't. You can be happy and successful and peaceful without it. Just be present.

Prejudice and religious conflicts and the like are all caused by a set of beliefs. Manmade thoughts. Meaningless ideas constructed to manipulate and control. Human rights are good. All people have the right to a peaceful and honest existence in our small blip of a conscious life on earth. And it's a known fact. You also do not have to subscribe to a set of beliefs to attain said happiness and peace. You will not be judged after you die. Anyone who believes in this judgemental father type figure is really not promoting true equality in people. To believe in an ultimate supreme ruler is very ignorant and archaic, if we are honest.

There is a place beyond thoughts and beliefs and I'm not talking about heaven or life after death. It's a place of peace in the present, of feeling present in the universe and not imprisoned by fearful thoughts. Our human consciousness may be our biggest enemy if we allow ourselves to get trapped in the mind of thoughts.

I would challenge people to consider this. Do you think you have given yourself a real chance to figure out who you are as a person by following a specified set of beliefs of a religion? How you perceive life and death affects your whole being. Don't we all deserve the chance to be free of constraints on how we view the universe?

Piecing it together

This post has been brewing for a long time. I guess as I get older I start to try and piece together things about myself. It's like one's life is a big puzzle and we are constantly trying to it the pieces together so everything "makes sense". I guess it started because I will find myself thinking about certain moments of my past over and over again until i ask myself, why am i obsessing over this moment? It must be really important to me if i can't stop thinking about it.

I feel like I drew so many things from other people in my life that in no way knew they were an influence on me. Now I realize i was gathering pieces to my own puzzle, building my belief system, over time, which of course is a huge part of who I am today. I am not a proponent of people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and always blame everything happening to them in the present on their dysfunctional upbringing. Of course, terrible things happen or maybe even just mediocre bad things happen and we believe that is our destiny. So we all weren't raised perfect because humans are not perfect. I am a mom and i know i am not perfect. It will be part of each of my children's own life adventure to find their way and figure out their values and who they are as a person. Of course I am desperately trying to guide them to be kind, patient and compassionate individuals!

You pull from memories and experiences and hold on to what you know is loving and good. My husband taught me how to be affectionate and loving because I didn't come from a physically affectionate family. I don't think i realized how special and healing it is just to give someone a hug everyday. And my children are a very affectionate group, which I am very proud of. Human interaction, touch and feel is so important in becoming a compassionate person (i believe).

I try to be mindful of my memories and think, what would I have thought about this when I was Ethan's age or Zach's age? Would I have wanted someone to be supportive of me even when all I did as complain and beg to quit? Would I have just wanted a hug or shoulder to lean on when I'm feeling let down? It's like saying to my children, I did not have this gift (i.e. patience) as a child so I want to give you my patience and understanding because I have witnessed that so many great things can come from having them in your life.

I am not resentful or angry at my parents, my family or my past and this is in no way some negative story about that. People do what they can and what they know how to do. That doesn't mean we need to demonize each other because in the end, it is only within yourself that you can find true happiness, whether you were brought up in a perfect situation ( nearly impossible) or handed every bad card life has to offer. The only way to find peace, is with peace :)

I am feeling so grateful for every person in my life who has contributed to my puzzle because it makes me a more complete person. And now I feel I can let go of these moments chattering away at me, even the positive ones. I can accept these qualities as part of who I am now, and not something I once put on a pedestal and worshiped and thought I couldn't ever have because no one ever gave it to me. I guess it took until now to realize these qualities just ARE. They are within all of us and it is up to us to let go of whatever it is that is not allowing them to be present in our lives.

I feel, in the end, I am writing so many of these posts for my children. Because I worry and wonder every single day if I am getting through to them and influencing them positively or am I letting the little distractions of life get in my way. I was a very sensitive child and I picked up on every emotion, every word, every action. So I am hyper-aware of everything that goes on in my family between my children, my husband and I, my husband and my children, myself and the children, etc...This is why I focus so diligently on every word and action, because i know how much that can influence a person. And if that happens many times to a person in a negative manner, it takes a lot of practice to let them go.

The hardest thing for me is to see people i care about stuck in the past. Maybe they are not even aware that they have the ability to let the past go and become a peaceful and happy person.

I want my kids to know that there are so many ways to gather pieces to complete their own puzzle. Just because something didn't present itself to you as you expected it do, does not mean you must let that get in the way of your own happiness. Just because i wasn't raised in a physically affectionate environment has not made me believe that is "just the way I am" and I will never use the excuse of  "well, that's how I was raised." There is nothing more miserable than pigeonholing yourself. Give yourself the gift of letting go and just being in the present. If you can give yourself the gift of silence and emptiness of the mind, you can allow so many wonderful things in, to fulfill your destiny.

Learning how to be

"Have good trust in yourself...not in the one that you think you should be, but the One that you are." -Tiazan Maezumi Roshi

This is a very powerful statement. Very simple, yet it is overflowing with meaning. I see so many people who don't trust and love who they are, so they turn to anger, sadness, depression, addictions, etc...as a self defense. Everything becomes a struggle. Yet, it is a self-created struggle. Struggling to get somewhere, be someone, attain some goal...

It sounds very simple to love oneself, yet because we get caught inside our own head, and create internal struggles with our own ego about right/wrong, good/bad, we don't know how to just be.

The key is to learn how to quiet the mind. Emptiness is the prize because once we can turn off the chatter in our heads analyzing every move we make, every person we meet, every situation we stand in front of...we can really just be one with ourselves and the universe.

I picture my mind turning to a lake so still it looks like glass. I listen to my breath until I can't tell the difference between it and the air flowing through the trees. I feel my heartbeat until I don't know the difference between the rhythm of it and the rhythm of nature around me. You finally can just be and feel what it's like to be part of everything, the whole universe. You are everything beautiful and ugly that makes up this world because we all depend upon each other for existence; everything that leads up to this very moment that we are in has brought us to be here and without each and every moment, this very moment would cease. You are every person, every insect, every vast ocean and starry night sky, planet, galaxy, birth, death, health, sickness, love, hate...because we are all a unique part of one whole. And anyone can find it because whatever wonder and amazement you know is there when you look out into the vast universe can be found inside of you.

Just be.

an unexpected direction

Since i have been working on my drawings, I have been pulilng in a very new direction. I have to say, I have always had the ut-most respect for landscape artists and such, but honestly, landscapes and "nature" art has never really interested me very much. Especially photo realistic paintings and drawings. In my opinion, if i want a photo realistic piece of art, I will just take a picture, right?! But in the past few months i have been strangley drawn to create landscape pieces. I have really come to appreciate the subtle beauty of my surroundings which i used to despise. I still hate Wisconsin, haha! I hate the cold and the unpredictable weather. I hate being stuck inside for the majority of the year due to harsh winter and crappy springs. But there is something to be said for the effect of the cool crsip (well, bitter cold) air on the delicate skies. The forever changing subtle hues of the skies from dawn till dusk, with the stark contrast of the brittle and bare tree branches jolted against the delicate skies.
I love to take these images and translate their beauty from my perspective. It also makes me feel more connected to where I come from. I hope other people will see the beauty fo the land in my interpretations.

Emerging

It's nice to know that everything i have done in the past,even in my ceramic work, has not been all for not. Recently, I have had several ideas evolve organically from past subject matter and techniques that finally seem to have found their place and purpose in what I am doing. I went with my urge to draw in black and white to see where it would take me. I really felt that i could pour my soul into these drawings more than i ever have before. Then cam the pastel idea. Just using the black and white and some different monochromatic color schemes to evoke a certain mood in the work. My obsession with the dark silhouettes of the bare tree branches against the ever changing colors of the pale yet vibrant winter skies. The dark figure...the lost girl. These have finally all culminated into one idea for a triptych of drawings using black, white, grey and subtle hints of color. The subject matter is one that i have had with me since early college. It's one of my babies and i love it and can't let it go. I can finally interpret it the way i've been needing to.

I love this evolution of ideas and techniques that has been happening to me lately. It seems so natural and organic. It almost seems like it was meant to be, meant happen in this particular way. First, i started sculpting these dark figures and i really got to know every inch of them. The way the figures interact with each other especially. Creating them in 3D has engrained them into my brain and i understand them physically and emotionally so much more than if i had not done that. But i felt they were missing an environment and now i have that. I know where they belong. It explains the obsession with the trees and the water. The solitude of the bare tree branches in the middle of the cold nothingness of winter. The evolving skies, the dark and cold water. Now it finally all makes sense. I had to get to know each of them before I could bring them all together in harmony with each other

I am thrilled about the new ideas and I can't wait to get them down on paper. I finally got some more pastel paper last night and am eager to work. Only if my kids weren't sick!! ;)

goals for 2011, a fresh start

I come into 2011 with a whole new perspective on my career in art. The thing i love about this year is that i feel comfortable, i feel like it will be a smooth transition. I have done a lot of meditating and quiet growth this past year. I have a new philosophy about things but it isn't forced or some irrational sudden decision. I feel like i have grown into my skin a little more.

I was really all over the board when it came to creating my art. Before my son was born, i was working on clay sculpture. In the dark zone. Although i really don't trust myself when i am pregnant, hormones make everything seem irrational, lol! But i have come to appreciate my dark thoughts and i even have a new goal to create a show with all my pieces from that zone of my mind. The show will be called Dark Matter and be a spin off of another one of my loves; astronomy. Of course after i had my son, i had no time for art. Then i suddenly had an urge to paint/draw and it is a lot easier to do that when having to tend to small children. MUCH more forgiving and patient than that temperamental clay. I worked on some pencil drawings intending to brush up on my observational skills for some paintings i had in mind. But then i really started pouring my heart and soul into these drawings. I started to feel that passion again, the delicate way the line of the pencil embodies the fragile nature of flesh and bone. I felt like i had grown in my skills as well. A rest time is always necessary, it gives your brain time to saturate everything you've been learning and thinking about. At least for me.

I've created a goals calendar of deadlines of a few art fairs and shows I'd like to apply to this year. I was shocked that i had been accepted into the first one i applied to! But it gave me a little push to keep going. I am also going to try and get out to some networking events this year. I would love to have a solo show, maybe rent out a space on my own. Just have everything i have always been picturing in my head for so long. That would be the ultimate culmination of my goals this year. I don't care about getting into this or that show or selling or whatever. I just want to put together my own personal show.

Lastly, I fell that i am really getting into my niche. I thought i would completely stray away from what i normally do, and create some social commentary type pieces, which i really am greatly passionate about. I did get some great interest and response to the unfinished piece i posted, however, it just didn't feel like me! I realized that my going inward, I can actually reach outward to people. By really being true to myself and my expression i can touch people in a way that evokes the same feelings in them. That is always my ultimate goal as an artist and i strive to maintain that as my unchanging philosophy. I want to appreciate my viewer more than anything and really connect to them.

Ok, this is really LASTLY! I have had some really dark personal matters occur this year (with people very close to me) and I have had this huge swell of ideas. This all will be part of my Dark Matter show. I am really excited to get on with this new body of work and really embrace it for what it is. I hope everyone will love it as much as i do. If i have learned one very important lesson in 2010 about creating it is this: If I truly pour my soul and passion into my work and am honest about it and true to myself, people will feel that energy in my work and will be drawn into it and experience it in their own way. Now i need to get to work!!