And now..."Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy

All this talking about people passing away between Josh and I, and reading about it/hearing about from Monica and Katie has really got me thinking. Of course it's been in the forefront of my mind ever since Zach's passing. Although I'm still in the grieving process and expect to be for awhile, I know I am not affected in the way Josh and his family is. I could never truly understand unless it happened to my own sibling, parent, child, etc... I'm seeing it more from the outside in, and have a different perspective on it. I, for one, haven't really changed the way I view death, religion, spirituality, etc... whereas Josh, who was never a "sprirtual" or religious person as long as I've known him, has definately changed in his hopes that zach is in "A better place" or somehow his spirit is still present. Because of the personal nature of it, and out of respect for Josh, I won't divulge any details but i will say that in the past week two people extrememly close to Zach have engaged in experiences where they have actually had evidence of Zach's spiritual presence. I can't help but think about this...I don't know if it could be true or is our brain so powerful that we can think we see/hear/believe things because we want that person to be there so badly? I'd be interested to hear other poeple's perspectives on this. I honestly don't know what to think. Aside from sometimes getting that "feeling like someone's there" when they are not, i've never had any experience that would prove to me that people can exist beyond our physical world. Which doesn't mean I don't believe it's a possibilty, I just don't know.

Also, another thing that this experience has done is made me really aware of my own mortality. Not in a selfish way or anything, just in the way that anyone of us could have heard those words, "you have cancer" and then been gone 2 years later. It forces me to think about my life and find some sort of peace in knowing this could happen to me, my family, my friends, at anytime. I thinks it's more about the fear of the unknown and also the fear of not being in control of my own future. As much as we prepare and plan for things in life, you really have to accept that you do not have control over it. I mean, Zach wasn't the epitome of health, but he wasn't UNhealthy; he was as healthy as most other people I know. It makes you really live in the moment. You think about the way you treat people, making sure you say "i love you" before you walk out the door, because it may be the last thing you do. I know it's a bit morbid, but it was like a wake up call for me. I really look at the way i am with Ethan and Josh and other family and friends. Little arguements and annoyances just aren't worth it anymore. I'd rather spend my time enjoying the people in my life.

Back to the issue of spirituality...I always kind of wished that Josh wasn't so anti-religious back in the day, because I was never really sure of my beliefs but i knew i wasn't anti-anything. It's funny how he is sort of changing now that Zach has passed away, and i'm almost on the other end of the spectrum. I'm definately not atheist or anything but I'm still unsure of things. I consider myself a very spiritual person, in the sense that I am very in tune with my mind, body, and well-being. I believe in the power of the mind and finding peace within yourself, but i don't have a solid "religious" belief. To me, religion just hasn't been important in my life. I definately have issues with some of the hardcore "religions" which i talk about in one of my myspace blogs. I believe spirituality is something you find within yourself and in your own way. I don't necessarily think I "need" to believe that people who have died are still around spiritualy. I do believe that our physical bodies and our "energy" return to the earth or energy around us. I just can't do the whole "pearly gates" thing. I know that's only one way of thinking of it, but I can't force myself to change in that way. I see it more as something one may need to cope with the experience of death and grief, etc... in that moment. I guess maybe life has taken its toll on me lately and I've become a little more closed off in my ability to believe in certain things. I'm more practical with things these days. I thought it would be the opposite after i had children, because it is a very amazing experience, but I still find myself questioning things just as i did before ethan came along.

Anyways, just some thoughts...And as I said in my blog about Zach right before he passed away, I hope he had found some sort of peace within himself before he died. I hope he had come to terms, in a way, in what was about to happen to him. Of course, you are going to be terrified because we are human and we are afraid of death. But, hopefully in his own beliefs he found some peace.

Another Baby Update...

So I had another appointment today, and all is well with the baby. My doctor said he's big and very active (of course I already new that!). I'll be going in every two weeks and then once a week starting at 35 weeks. I'll be 31 weeks on Tuesday. I still will have another ultrasound when I get closer to my due date so she can moniter his position and size. If he is bigger than usual, I'll be induced sometime around week 39, so I won't have to have such a rough labor and delivery like I did with Ethan! I can't believe how close we are now! I finally went out and bought a "travel system", where the car seat fits right into the stroller, so that'll be nice. I never got one of those with Ethan, just the separate car seat and stroller. So that will make life a little easier. But it seems that every time I cross something off my list, I add another 5 things to it!
Although the pregnancy is going well, I'm definately feeling it now. I am so tired and it takes a lot of effort to walk for a long time. I'm pretty happy that I haven't had any major swelling or any major problems, but (knock on wood) it's not over yet! Hopefully we will continue to be healthy for the next 8 or 9 weeks!

Random Stuff

A Scene Worth Waking Up For...

I crawled into ethan's bed this morning cause it's super comfy and I'm trying to get him sleeping in his own bed again, but I miss him sleeping next to me too! It was super sweet. I woke up just as daybreak was appearing, where the sky is an icy, steel blue and just illuminates enough so you can barely see. I looked over at my little sweetie and the cold blue light bathed his face and just highlighted enough that he looked like he was glowing, like an angel. I stayed awake just to stare at the beauty before me. He looked so peaceful and serene. My heart broke for Josh's mom more than ever right at that moment. Definately a moment worth waking up for though.

New Jack Johnson CD...

Love, love, love it!!! Super mellow with awesome lyrics and that soothing voice...Uhhh so good. Especially #s 1, 4, 9, and 10. mmmm....

Baby Update!

Well I really haven't had much time to think about baby stuff, since we have been so wrapped up in other things lately. But, I had another appointment last week and the baby is doing great. My doctor surprised me when she said my belly is pretty much all baby (good news: not fat!!) and that he'll probably be bigger than Ethan!!! Oh boy, I really need to prepare myself for this. Since Ethan was 9lbs 3oz, which is big already, I'm getting a little scared! The even better news is that she will not let me go past my due date since he is obviously NOT underweight or anything so if I do not go into labor naturally by the 28th or 30th (in between there) she will induce my labor. The only downside of this is I heard it can prolong the labor, but if all is well i plan to have an epidural like i did with ethan so i shouldn't be in too much pain and/or discomfort after awhile. Of course I will up until I am 5cm dilated (that's when you can receive the epidural) and this is NOT PLEASANT or easier by any means. I was absolutely miserable with ethan at that point. But I am a little more relaxed knowing that I will have my fam there and whoever else would like to come visit us. At least we aren't 3281832 miles away like last time. And I've read that this can ease the perception of pain (knowing that you are close to loved ones can lower anxiety levels, etc....) ANYWAYS! He is big and healthy and very strong (feels those kicks!) and I am getting super excited. Oh, and we're not 100% sure but we are probably naming the baby after his Uncle Zach, which I love so I'm excited about that too. I now have my appointments only 3 weeks apart which means we're really getting close. Soon they'll be two weeks apart and then every week.

The baby's room is pretty much almost done except we still can't find a decent dresser that isn't a million dollars! Plus I still need to get a bunch of stuff, but I actually like shopping for baby stuff so that'll be fun! Ethan is going to be so awesome with his new little bro. He feels my belly all the time and asks how the baby is. He says he is going to help give the baby a bath, and feed him bottles, and all that cute stuff (oh, and apparently how to climb the stairs!). I will be at West Allis Memorial Hospital btw, if anyone wants to come visit when he's here. Ok I'm thinking a little too far ahead now! I'll keep you all updated when I go to my next appointment!