It is so tremendously heartbreaking to think about this and write about this. But, to our disbelief and shock, Zach is losing his battle with non-hodgkins lymphoma; basically, the doctors have deemed the cancer to be terminal. Zach has gone through two years courageously battling his cancer and receiving all of the treatments possible for his disease. He even underwent a bone marrow transplant, however, after each treatment the cancer grows more and more aggresive, hitting harder than ever before. As you can imagine, the entire family is completely devastated, especially his parents and his best friend and brother, Josh. It is just awful to see these loved ones in so much heartbreak and pain. Josh will be spending about half of his time in Iowa to be with Zach and help his parents. He is the rock for his family right now, sitting with Zach, watching movies, talking when he can, and just being there with him. Being there last weekend I could sense the relief in his parents to have Josh around to comfort Zach and ease their stress levels a little.
We just keep asking ourselves Why? Why did this have to happen to such a loving and caring person. someone who would do anything for his friends and family and only wants the best for the people around him. He is always selfless and kind, and if you have even just met him for two seconds, you know he can make anyone feel at ease and as if they have just made a new friend in Zach. he is such a special person and does not deserve to be going through this pain and hurt.
I guess all we can do now is be with him, comfort him, and make sure he is as comfortable as possible.
As I sat with Zach last weekend and the whirlwind of people coming and going to see him, the phone calls, the sniffles and crying in the background, i wonder, what is he thinking right now? About all of this? Mostly with his eyes closed just listening or open so slighlty you can't tell if he is sleeping or awake. He must be taking it all in, letting the world happen around him, as he sits silently in his own world, wondering what is going to happen. When you look in his eyes you know that he is so tired of the pain. But being as strong as he is, he doesn't want to give up. He still drives for a little every night by himself, just to get out and be alone. Away from the world he has come to know, just laying in his bed or in his chair, listening to everything around him. There is a sense of peacefulness around him, he is very calm. I hope in his own way he is coming to terms with what is happening and finding peace within himself and in whatever his beliefs may be in life and death.
I just want to remember Zach for who he is and always will be in our hearts and minds. Caring, strong, funny, loving, selfless, intelligent, sensitive, creative, soulful, and beautiful. What a wonderful person we have all been blessed to know for the time we have known him. To be continued....
Pandora's Box: A Blog for Artists
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Ready for "08!
Now that I've had some time to ponder about what 2007 was and how it has affected me, I am starting to put into action, some goals for 2008. Screw the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing; but I still want to set some goals for myself and my family so we can continue to move forward in our ventures.
Finances
Okay, this is a huge one, since we are constantly struggling with money and we are not very good at financial decisions. So, this year I am working really hard to stay organized and up-to-date on my bills and debts. I have created a chart for monthly bills, where I can keep track of what is due, when, and how much needs to be payed. I've also created a "debt log" in which i am keeping track of our current debts (credit cards, loans, medical bills, etc...) For the average person, we aren't really in bad shape, but we just never make enough money to cover what we owe. So, with Josh finding a job soon and with me working and continuing to work after maternity leave, we are going to try to keep on track so we can repair both of our credit scores. I'd like to have a house someday but if we continue to make bad financial choices, we'll never be able to do it. But, I think we're on the right track. Luckily, Ethan will be starting pre-k in fall and that will take some of the daycare strain off of us as well.
Career
I am determined to keep my job after the new baby comes, and I know it'll be heart-wrenching for me to see my little guy go to daycare, especially so young. But I really think this is the best decision for our family, and I'd like to also start working on getting my career interests in order. I may start taking a class here and there in the future for auto cad so i can advance in that field.
Home
Our biggest goal right now is trying to plan and make meals and have real sit-down meals as a family. With me getting home around 5:30 we usually get fast food or grab a pizza or whatever and we are trying to let go of that bad habit for obvious reasons. Growing up, we always had family meals, especially dinner. Even if it was just grilled cheese, we still sat down together and talked and I'd really like to create that for us as well. So, we are trying our hardest to clean off the papers/toys/junk covered kitchen table every night and eat together, and enforcing better eating habits in Ethan. Luckily, Josh is an awesome cook, so when he gets the urge to create a good meal, it's like eating a gourmet meal. Some of his best recipes are:
1. Italian chicken and pasta
2. Bow-Tie Pasta with Garlic Butter and Herb Sauce
3. Baked Tilapia Fillets with Potato Crust and Shredded Veggie Salad
4. Fried Chicken Bites w/BBQ Sauce (and ranch dip, yum!!)
5. Oven Broiled Sandwiches with cheese and herbs
Mine are:
1. Baked Potato Soup
2. Scalloped Potatoes
hmmm...I like potatoes. I'm not the greatest original chef, so I'll leave this one to Josh! Hopefully, I'll add a recipe section here soon!
Health/Personal
I've been trying really hard to be more health conscious during this pregnancy. I have to admit, I was pretty bad with Ethan! I ate lots of fast food and ice cream and sweets!! I have had a few (or more!) slip-ups with this one too, but on the brighter side, I have included a lot more fruits and veggies to my diet. And I really try to stay away from soda. The one hard thing is caffeine because I love chocolate! But I really don't have the stomach for a lot of sugar so it's usually in very small amounts. But I do feel much better during this pregnancy and a lot more energetic. One thing I haven't done is exercise, which i didn't really do with Ethan either. But i feel so guilty if I'm not spending all my free time after work with Ethan; it's so hard to balance out working, being a mom, and trying to have time to take care of myself! But this time, I am much more aware of what I'm eating and I'm really trying to keep my weight gain under control. So far I've gained about 16 pounds which is pretty good. I think at this point in pregnancy the average weight gain should be between 16-22lbs so I'm on the lower end of that at least! Also, of course I have quit smoking and drinking and I'd like to continue that after the baby comes. Of course I'll have an occasional drink here and there, but now with two kids, i definitely don't want to start smoking again. I feel SO much better just being "clean" and not putting toxic things in my body. It is very rejuvenating.
To Be Continued...
Finances
Okay, this is a huge one, since we are constantly struggling with money and we are not very good at financial decisions. So, this year I am working really hard to stay organized and up-to-date on my bills and debts. I have created a chart for monthly bills, where I can keep track of what is due, when, and how much needs to be payed. I've also created a "debt log" in which i am keeping track of our current debts (credit cards, loans, medical bills, etc...) For the average person, we aren't really in bad shape, but we just never make enough money to cover what we owe. So, with Josh finding a job soon and with me working and continuing to work after maternity leave, we are going to try to keep on track so we can repair both of our credit scores. I'd like to have a house someday but if we continue to make bad financial choices, we'll never be able to do it. But, I think we're on the right track. Luckily, Ethan will be starting pre-k in fall and that will take some of the daycare strain off of us as well.
Career
I am determined to keep my job after the new baby comes, and I know it'll be heart-wrenching for me to see my little guy go to daycare, especially so young. But I really think this is the best decision for our family, and I'd like to also start working on getting my career interests in order. I may start taking a class here and there in the future for auto cad so i can advance in that field.
Home
Our biggest goal right now is trying to plan and make meals and have real sit-down meals as a family. With me getting home around 5:30 we usually get fast food or grab a pizza or whatever and we are trying to let go of that bad habit for obvious reasons. Growing up, we always had family meals, especially dinner. Even if it was just grilled cheese, we still sat down together and talked and I'd really like to create that for us as well. So, we are trying our hardest to clean off the papers/toys/junk covered kitchen table every night and eat together, and enforcing better eating habits in Ethan. Luckily, Josh is an awesome cook, so when he gets the urge to create a good meal, it's like eating a gourmet meal. Some of his best recipes are:
1. Italian chicken and pasta
2. Bow-Tie Pasta with Garlic Butter and Herb Sauce
3. Baked Tilapia Fillets with Potato Crust and Shredded Veggie Salad
4. Fried Chicken Bites w/BBQ Sauce (and ranch dip, yum!!)
5. Oven Broiled Sandwiches with cheese and herbs
Mine are:
1. Baked Potato Soup
2. Scalloped Potatoes
hmmm...I like potatoes. I'm not the greatest original chef, so I'll leave this one to Josh! Hopefully, I'll add a recipe section here soon!
Health/Personal
I've been trying really hard to be more health conscious during this pregnancy. I have to admit, I was pretty bad with Ethan! I ate lots of fast food and ice cream and sweets!! I have had a few (or more!) slip-ups with this one too, but on the brighter side, I have included a lot more fruits and veggies to my diet. And I really try to stay away from soda. The one hard thing is caffeine because I love chocolate! But I really don't have the stomach for a lot of sugar so it's usually in very small amounts. But I do feel much better during this pregnancy and a lot more energetic. One thing I haven't done is exercise, which i didn't really do with Ethan either. But i feel so guilty if I'm not spending all my free time after work with Ethan; it's so hard to balance out working, being a mom, and trying to have time to take care of myself! But this time, I am much more aware of what I'm eating and I'm really trying to keep my weight gain under control. So far I've gained about 16 pounds which is pretty good. I think at this point in pregnancy the average weight gain should be between 16-22lbs so I'm on the lower end of that at least! Also, of course I have quit smoking and drinking and I'd like to continue that after the baby comes. Of course I'll have an occasional drink here and there, but now with two kids, i definitely don't want to start smoking again. I feel SO much better just being "clean" and not putting toxic things in my body. It is very rejuvenating.
To Be Continued...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
2007 Wrap-Up
Now that the new year is here and things have settled down since the holidays, I've actually had time to think about what 2007 was for me. I guess it was a pretty eventful year! Here are some of the major events!!
Career/School/Life
Early in the year, Josh and I made the decision for me to work full-time and for him to go back to school for graphic design. After many months of discussion, we finally agreed that looking for a ceramics teaching job needed to go on the back burner for now because we had finally come to the realization of everything that was involved in trying to obtain one of these so called "university teaching jobs". Just out of sheer coincidence and to our own naivety of the situation we already had many things going against us in this venture. We've spent so many months and weeks and hours and minutes scrutinizing reasons why this wasn't happening for him after all of the effort and work and heart he (we!) put into school and working towards this goal. We decided that we needed to, in a way, accept what was happening and move on, but there is so much more to it than that. Josh went through a definite period of mourning and loss for one of his first and most important passions in life! So we will never give up on attaining one of our most loved and important goals in life. In a way, it is kind of a blessing because we realized what is important to us and specific things we want in our life together.
1. We want a family, and while we're young, and with all of the traveling and "internships" Josh would need to do before even being considered for one of these positions, it wouldn't be feasible, financially and/or emotionally.
2. We love to be close to our friends and family, especially while we're young and have young children. Again, with traveling and basically having to go wherever it takes you; not something we want to do right now.
3. More schooling. Unbeknownst to us at the time, and apparently to Josh's professor's, he needed an MFA not an MA and probably additional schooling. Most of the people who get these jobs stay in the program for years until they are basically "given" a job.
I guess those are the three BIG reasons why we made this decision, plus Josh is talented in art either way, and he's already doing awesome with graphics and he loves it! SO, wow, that was a big thing for us in 2007!
On the other side of the spectrum, I started out working full-time and finally fell into a job that I can actually say "I like"! I learned autocad and am becoming pretty good at it, and also i get to "consult" in design ideas with people who come in that are building or remodeling their home. Oh, and a HUGE realization for me since I was going to school for interior design!!...I now am very sure that I DO NOT want to be an interior designer. I work with them all the time here, and they are crazy people!! And the clients they work with are usually very rich, very snobby, and very insane! So, recently, I entertained the thought of going for the autocad/drafter thing as a career move. I like it cause i get to be alone :) and I'm good at it.
Personal
Josh's brother Zach has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. and to all of our great regret and shock, the cancer keeps coming back, even after many treatments. Zach had a bone marrow transplant last year (using his own marrow) and the cancer came back even after that. Josh was tested and we were shocked to learn that he is not a match for Zach, however, Zach apparently has thousands of matches on the national registry. He and his parents will be on their way to the Mayo clinic in about a week or so, to talk about other treatment options. Please pray for Zach and keep him in your thoughts!!
On a lighter note, yay!!! we are having another baby. Not something that was "planned" but obviously we aren't stupid so we knew there was a chance. Anyways, we super excited to have another awesome little baby in our lives, and also for Ethan to finally have someone to play with!!!
In conclusion...
Unless it's completely awful, I usually tend to see the brighter side of things, so at first I thought 2007 wasn't such a great year. But after thinking about it, I really believe it to be a blessing in disguise. We made some really big life decisions that are really starting to pay off and definitely will help us in the future. I learned a lot about our relationship and who I am as person and what I want to do with my life. It actually was a huge year for me. Maybe, there wasn't a whole lot of really big things "happening" but I did a lot of learning and growing, and hopefully we will begin to reap some of the rewards this year that we worked so hard for in "07!!!
Career/School/Life
Early in the year, Josh and I made the decision for me to work full-time and for him to go back to school for graphic design. After many months of discussion, we finally agreed that looking for a ceramics teaching job needed to go on the back burner for now because we had finally come to the realization of everything that was involved in trying to obtain one of these so called "university teaching jobs". Just out of sheer coincidence and to our own naivety of the situation we already had many things going against us in this venture. We've spent so many months and weeks and hours and minutes scrutinizing reasons why this wasn't happening for him after all of the effort and work and heart he (we!) put into school and working towards this goal. We decided that we needed to, in a way, accept what was happening and move on, but there is so much more to it than that. Josh went through a definite period of mourning and loss for one of his first and most important passions in life! So we will never give up on attaining one of our most loved and important goals in life. In a way, it is kind of a blessing because we realized what is important to us and specific things we want in our life together.
1. We want a family, and while we're young, and with all of the traveling and "internships" Josh would need to do before even being considered for one of these positions, it wouldn't be feasible, financially and/or emotionally.
2. We love to be close to our friends and family, especially while we're young and have young children. Again, with traveling and basically having to go wherever it takes you; not something we want to do right now.
3. More schooling. Unbeknownst to us at the time, and apparently to Josh's professor's, he needed an MFA not an MA and probably additional schooling. Most of the people who get these jobs stay in the program for years until they are basically "given" a job.
I guess those are the three BIG reasons why we made this decision, plus Josh is talented in art either way, and he's already doing awesome with graphics and he loves it! SO, wow, that was a big thing for us in 2007!
On the other side of the spectrum, I started out working full-time and finally fell into a job that I can actually say "I like"! I learned autocad and am becoming pretty good at it, and also i get to "consult" in design ideas with people who come in that are building or remodeling their home. Oh, and a HUGE realization for me since I was going to school for interior design!!...I now am very sure that I DO NOT want to be an interior designer. I work with them all the time here, and they are crazy people!! And the clients they work with are usually very rich, very snobby, and very insane! So, recently, I entertained the thought of going for the autocad/drafter thing as a career move. I like it cause i get to be alone :) and I'm good at it.
Personal
Josh's brother Zach has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. and to all of our great regret and shock, the cancer keeps coming back, even after many treatments. Zach had a bone marrow transplant last year (using his own marrow) and the cancer came back even after that. Josh was tested and we were shocked to learn that he is not a match for Zach, however, Zach apparently has thousands of matches on the national registry. He and his parents will be on their way to the Mayo clinic in about a week or so, to talk about other treatment options. Please pray for Zach and keep him in your thoughts!!
On a lighter note, yay!!! we are having another baby. Not something that was "planned" but obviously we aren't stupid so we knew there was a chance. Anyways, we super excited to have another awesome little baby in our lives, and also for Ethan to finally have someone to play with!!!
In conclusion...
Unless it's completely awful, I usually tend to see the brighter side of things, so at first I thought 2007 wasn't such a great year. But after thinking about it, I really believe it to be a blessing in disguise. We made some really big life decisions that are really starting to pay off and definitely will help us in the future. I learned a lot about our relationship and who I am as person and what I want to do with my life. It actually was a huge year for me. Maybe, there wasn't a whole lot of really big things "happening" but I did a lot of learning and growing, and hopefully we will begin to reap some of the rewards this year that we worked so hard for in "07!!!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Belly Babbling
Okay, this is my first post although I am in my 6th month (!!) of my second pregnancy. Just as a short overview, this is a much less dramatic pregnancy than my first, with less exaggerated symptoms (i.e. i'm all stretched out already!) However, it is equally as exciting and at times uncomfortable. I am definately to the point where I feel like a waddling cow (?) Well either way, very large, and very UN-graceful and/or UN-coordinated. Also, to the point where people feel the need to point out how pregnant I am and that my belly has grown dramatically in the last couple of weeks. YES, I know this people!!! Since generally I do not like attention from random people it kinda sucks having people stare and make random comments about babies or ask random questions, etc...However, on the lighter side of things, and not to get into too much detail about the many discomforts of pregnancy, I am in full shopping mode for the new little guy, and we have the baby's room almost completely set up. I have decided that I am kinda over the whole huge "room decorating" because I've been through it once and you do all of this work and all of the sudden he's a little boy, not a baby, and what do i do with all of the little cutsie stuff? I love going out and picking out all the little clothes and yummy smelling lotions and stuff; it makes it so real! Although I am a little perturbed that many of the things I hoped to have are suddenly missing, either lost at my sister's house or in some other state from moving so much. But it is nice to buy new stuff too, so it's ok. On a final note, I am still VERY anxious about the impending labor. I don't know what's worse; the first baby when you have no idea what labor will be like, or the children after, knowing exactly what you're going to go through. AHHHHH!!!! Josh does a good job of calming my nerves and at least I know how great the reward is for going through all of the pain!!
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