the dream; maybe more

His eyes were bright blue, so intense i could hardly look at them but i couldn't turn my gaze away at the same time. They are like a newborn baby's eyes but more alive and so fresh. He sat in the corner watching himself decay, assuring himself that he was going to be ok, but knowing in his heart what was soon approaching.

He is with everyone he know who has passed away but doesn't concern himself too much with them; he has a lot to do there. He is very busy. He sarted to cry when I told him how badly hurt you are and he said not to be afraid to look for him and "see" him. He said you need to open your eyes.

He says there are so many better ways to get around where he is. I went on to ask him more questions about life after death and he smiled and told me he knew what I was trying to do and he left...

untitled

golden skin, transluscent lips
eyes are lost and sad
body's frail, mind is fading fast

broken soul
he gives up
it's time to go

Put your hand upon his chest
feels his heart
as it slows and skips

Feel his last breath upon your cheek
put your lips to his head
one last kiss, skin is cold

warm his skin with your tears
once was golden
now is grey
he is gone
don't know what to say....

Fun Weekend!

We usually don't do very much on weekends for obvious reasons, but this weekend was a blast and "action packed". Ok, for most people it's probably normal, but I have no life people!!

Friday
Josh called me from work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner (with the kids) and of course I was more than excited to get the heck out of the house (and enjoy a cocktail)! So we ended up going to the Bosch and we were the first people seated and served(we literally got our food 2 seconds after our drinks came)! Josh had the fish fry and I had the Bosch turkey wrap which is suuuuper yummy!! Ethan ate bread with butter and had a kiddie cocktail and we laughed at how wierd he is the whole time!
After that we headed home to shower and get ready to go over to Eric and Lisa's house. Mark/Shan, Brad/Anne, and Nick/Kim were also there. Ethan kept himself busy playing with Maggie and Lola (doggies) so I actually had time to socialize. Just as they were starting a fire we had to leave so we could put the kids to bed.

Saturday
We decided to just get up and get ready and go somewhere fun. We decided on the Domes since it is a favorite of Ethan's and ours AND it is cheap for the 4 of us to get in! We got there and they were closed because of construction (they are replacing the glass I think) so we decided to head downtown. After driving around a bit we decided on the museum. WOW! Flashback! My family used to go a lot when we were little and there were so many things that brought back awesome childhood memories for me. I would have loved to stay there all day but Ethan got restless after a couple of hours and we had to go. Needless to say, it was an awesome time! I want to go back soon to see the planetarium.

When we finally got home, we chilled for awhile and then got ready to go over to Mark and Shan's for Michelle's going away party (she's going back to school in Michigan to become a physician's assistant). There were all kinds of crazy peeps there including the usual from our group plus Michelle's friends (keg stands anyone?) Wha? Oh...and as the night went on...wine stands!?!?! Gross! Anyways, obviously that was the "younger" crowd. There was some guy from Whitnall who is a doctor nd Michelle worked with him. I think he's a sports medicine guy for the WHS sports people? Shan made us all wear crazy name tags which turned out to be really fun. Josh was "McLovin", then "Cowboy Astronaut Millionaire", and later he was "Robot"! I was "MILF" and then "Boulder Junction". Ethan was "Spiderman" and Zach was "Only wants the Nipple"! It was super funny, but i have to admit, as the night went on, Ethan was exposed to WAY too much drunken activity so at 10:30 we called it quits and headed home. Oh, and BTW, Josh made rollies for the party and they were AMAZING so he has to make them from now on for all future parties. I think Ethan had a soda and cookie hangover the next day!!

Sunday
I got tons of cleaning done in the morning and afternoon and we had yummy Panera for lunch. Then we spent the rest of the day at my parents just hanging out with them and my brothers. All in al it was such a fun weekend and we had beautiful weather the whole time. The only thing I really wanted to do that I didn't get to was see the Dark Knight but hopefully I'll do that this weekend. It sure is nice to be able to get out again and NOT be pregnant! I'm not sure if I want to have any more babies... :)

Beauty in the Breakdown.....

Another huge update as the craziness keeps on going for the Vogel fam. First, we have been SUPER stressed with this stupid living situation and Josh and I pretty much moved everything into storage. Then we actually ended up just giving our landlord rent because we knew we weren't going to find a place quickly enough in order to be out and not have to pay full rent for the month. On top of Josh starting his new job, looking for a place to live,and trying to take care of two kids I nearly had a nervous breakdown the night before Chelsea's shower. All-in-all I had tons of fun at the shower and the little bit of the bachelorette party I went to, but truthfully, I am just too stressed out right now to really enjoy a social outing. Of course I wouldn't have missed it for the world but it seemed to add to my stress instead of ease it.

I found a couple of decent places I liked (townhouses) but it turned out Josh hates the area one of them is in and he wouldn't even go to see it with me after I had already seen it and basically told the lady we'd take it! So that just turned into a huge fight since I have been trying to find a place for us while he is at work, which isn't easy considering I have to take two kids with me everywhere I go. He is being SUPER picky about location and everything and wants to go for a cheaper 2 bedroom place so we can start saving for a down payment for a house. Of course I want that too, but we really have too much stuff for a smaller place now and he doesn't realize that $800 and $900 is pretty much standard rent for a decent place these days! I started freaking out again yesterday about all of this and I was just about to lose it again when the strangest thing happened. I was dragging the kids to the bank inside the pick n save on 76th street to deposit a check and I was crying in the car before because of all the stress and I hadn't eaten all day, etc...and was feeling really shitty and down. I was looking at the ground with the baby carseat about to break my arm off and ethan lagging behind when I looked up to see a really old frail man walking out towards me. He looked at me and said "Can I take him home?" (refering to Ethan). I looked at him with a tired half smile and said "Sure, that would be great" (joking of course). He said, "You know, in a year, you won't say that". I asked him, "Why is that?" and he said "because he's your treasure". Just like that. I said "you're right, yes he is". and turned to walk away. All of the sudden I felt like I was moving in slow motion and felt everything slow down around me. My heart relaxed and tension eased out of my shoulders. That one comment just grounded me and my world in that moment. As, I stood in line for the bank, I picked Ethan up and just held him and hugged him for a long time. Ethan said, "Mom what are you doing?" and I realized by stressing out I am just hurting him in the end. As long as I have the people around me that I love and that love me, everything else will be ok.

Later that evening, Josh and I were fighting about stuff again and it just blew up into other past things that are totally stupid (the same shit we always bring up to each other just to piss the other person off!). I wanted so bad to stay mad at Josh just because I was feeling sorry for myself and us and all of the shit that's been going on. Then Josh came to sit next to me and looked at me and said, no matter what is happening now, he'd rather be in it with me, then have everything else be perfect, but not have me there. He was really sweet, just saying that he wouldn't know what to do if he didn't have me there, becasue we are best friends and I just started crying again.

For some reason we always seem to take one step forward and two (or three or four!) back. We really have been fighting so hard to get things together and it just won't ease up. I know Josh's job is a definite blessing since it is a REAL job and has a lot of potential. AND the thought of soon buying a house is great. But I know the road to get there will be long and bumpy...

HUGE Update

Wow. It's been awhile since i've had time to breath much less blog, but I have so much to write about if i wait any longer i won't have time to cram it all in!

Zachary Vogel...AKA Pee Pee McPoo Poo
Little Zachary isn't so little anymore. At his 4 week check-up he weighed 11 1/2 lbs and grew an inch! He already has grown out of all of his newborn and almost all of his 3 month clothes! What can I say, I guess I have big babies :)Ethan's such a good big brother and he tried to help as much as I'll let him and I am so relieved to see that he loves his little brother and he really isn't jealous at all. And thankfully he isn't one of those kids who wants to hurt him or something! It's been pretty rough trying to adjust to having 2 kids to take care of. I find myself thinking of the days when Ethan was a baby and I could actually take a nap when he did or get some house work done. But I am much more in control this time and I feel like I have a much better handle on all things in general since I have gone through it before. Still, I kind of forgot how much work babies are!

Stubs McGee
Okay, I'm not mean but to make light of Josh getting two of his finger tips cut off, he has some new nicknames. I won't get into the gory details, but it was pretty nasty and it's been a long and painful recovery for Josh. Not to mention the part about me trying to take care of a newborn, a four-year-old AND a husband with no use of his left hand! (Side note: Josh was awesome helping me with the baby, especially at night, even after he cut his finger tips off!)

Frat Party?
Ok, so besides the shock of Josh's finger accident, our landlord sent us a letter saying he is ending our month-to-month lease! I know we were planning on leaving soon anyways because we think he is really intrusive and annoying, I couldn't believe he was actually "kicking us out" basically. I confronted him about it and told him exactly what I thought about it. Basically I told him off and ended it by calling him a jerk and walking away. It was quite refreshing actually to say so many things I had been wanting to for so long. I can understand if he doesn't want a month-to month or maybe he has someone else in mind he wants to rent the place to or maybe he plain just doesn't like us. But he didn't have to handle the situation the way he did. He could have given us a little more warning considering we have a newborn baby and Josh has use of only one hand for the next couple of months. So the guy is an asshole in my book. Also, when I asked him why he was ending the lease he gave me some half assed excuses and actually said he feels like he is living in a frat house. I was literally speechless when he said that. I guess he felt that because he found a few cigarette butts and beer bottle caps on the ground outside we live in a frat house. I have never been so insulted by someone before and I look at it as a good thing because we are finally getting the hell away from the psycho landlord.

Movin' On Up!
Despite Josh's injury at work, things are going very well with his new job. He's actually being considered for a promotion right now for Kohl's in Menomonee Falls where he would be managing their printing operations. This would be a huge step up and most likely a really nice pay increase. We've actually started to think about buying a house!

Recap
All-in-all things have balanced themselves out as usual. With the good comes the bad and vice versa. It seems to work that way in our life lately, and things will usually always even themselves out. Not an easy thing to learn in life, but something we've both come to terms with together. Although we didn't get to do anything "special" for our 5 year anniversary, I feel like the reward was an emotional one for us this year. And it seems fitting that it feels that way at a significant time such as our anniversary this year; 5 years married and 10 years together. We have really solidified lately as a couple and I feel like we are really in sync about where we are going and what we are doing with our lives. Also, because of all of the shit that has been thrown our way, we have come out so much stronger. We have a much easier time dealing with problems when they arise. Sometimes it feels like the bad things are so huge and important and the good things come so few and far between. But really, how could I complain about the things that haven't exactly been good in our life lately when I have come out of it with my two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. I think we get so ahead of ourselves sometimes in what we want and think we need in life that sometimes things happen to slow us down and remind us what is really important in life. Josh may have lost two tips of his fingers but he said he was really going to miss the time he got to spend at home with me and Ethan and Zach. How can you beat that!? It may seem small, but it the large scheme of things, that is what really matters in life.

New Baby, New Job, New Hope!

So it's been a week since I had Zachary, and I decided to finally take a moment out to catch up and write some things down. The labor was very tense for me this time because it was so wierd knowing I was going to be in pain but not knowing what to expect ith the induction. The contractions started out pretty mild so i wasn't in too much shock, but after my doctor broke my water; WOW! they came on really strong and fast and I dilated FAST! Which was good because I just wanted to get it over with! After I tried to wait as long as I could, I asked for the epidural which turned out to be torture since the anesthesiologist (sp?) took FOREVER to get to me and when he did he couldn't get the needle in the right part of my spine so he had to do it again! Ughhh! It was so awful. And to make it worse, they wouldn't let Josh stay in the room while they did it! So after that I was ok, but really itchy (a wierd side affect of an epidural!) the delivery went pretty well and before I knew it we were welcoming Zachary to the world! This time I got all emotional and cried and stuff and then it was a little scary because he was kind of pale and they had to bring in the respiratory specialist and try to get more fluid out of his lungs. So I didn't get to hold him for quite awhile after his birth.

It's been different and challenging trying to take care of a newborn and have Ethan at the same time but luckily we had Josh's parents up for the weekend so they helped with Ethan and then my mom took off this whole week to help me which has been a DREAM. It's hard in the first week or so because hormones are running rampant and emotions are high, but I'm starting to feel better every day. I'm still in a bit of pain (recovery was ROUGH!) but it is easing up a little every day also. Aside from all that, Zachary is the seetest most precious little baby and I feel overwhelmed with love everytime I look at him! He is so mellow and a really good baby. Let's hope it stays that way!

On the other side of things, Josh has been at his job for a week now and he actually likes it. He is his own boss and basically is managing a large account for Waukesha Engine. He's heard a lot of very positive things from his boss at Xerox and the person training him at the other company, who actually said Xerox will have to fight tooth and nail to get him back once this project is done because they like him so much! Yay! I guess good things can still happen for us, but sometimes we have to be REALLY patient.

Josh's New Job!!!

Yay! So Josh finally got a job! He got a call from Manpower last week (whom he contacted a couple of months ago and never heard anything from) and they told him about a job for Xerox. Well, he went in for the interview today and the lady liked him right off the bat and told him he'd be a perfect fit! His official title is "account specialist" and basically he'll take on different projects for a client and do image retouching, etc.. and do test prints and stuff like that and then send it to the company so they can see if they like the designs (?) I'm not totally sure on the details but that's the gist of it. The lLady who interviewed him said she knows he wants to move up eventually blah blah and this is a good starting point for someone just entering the field.

More good news came last week as well from Kohler. The person he spoke with from the ceramics department called Mark and told him they liked Josh a lot and he should apply to a job online and get in the system and then she will bypass the HR department so he can get in for another interview quickly! And we just happened to find a job that is open at the Wisconsin location that he is qualified for. He still has an upcoming meeting with the person who is in charge of the graphic design department as well so there is ANOTHER possible opportunity (thanks to Mahoney!)

This is such awesome news for us because not only does he have a potential opportunity with Kohler but he now has a job so we don't have to worry about that anymore! Also, he contacted all of his teachers at MATC and they've all agreed to let him come in at random times when he's available to turn in last assignments and projects so his classes won't interfere with his work schedule! I guess sometimes when you are least expecting it, good things will come. It feels so good to FINALLY have something positive happen for us. I'm actually feeling very cautious about things these days just because I know how quickly things can turn bad, but we went and had a little celebratory dinner and stuff tonight so that was nice. Hopefully things will slowly continue to move in the right direction for us. I was really worried about Josh when Zach passed away becasue he lost his focus on school and finding a job and basically everything (to be expected of course) but he really pulled it together in spite of all he's been through and worked even harder and now it is starting to pay off! Baby steps.... :)

It's On!

Finally, today i had my last appointment! AND I am finally dilated to 2cm and effaced 50%. So things are happening and I'm glad to see that my sporadic contractions are doing something. I had an ultrasound yesterday and to everyone's surprise the technician estimated the baby's weight to only be at about 7lbs 6oz! However, when I saw my actual doctor today, she said she doesn't trust that because just by the look and measurement of my belly, the baby is bigger than that. Plus, she said she had a patient once who had an ultrasound the same as mine and the baby was actually 10lbs! So, I guess things like that can happen. Based on the result of the ultrasound I could technically just wait until my due date, but I chose to keep the induction date because my instinct tells me the weight estimate is wrong and my doctor agrees that he's bigger and she's had a lot of experience with this!

She also said I could very possibly go into labor before Wednesday! So in 5 1/2 days or less, there will be a baby here! I'm super excited and nervous at the same time. Oh, and I forgot to mention how cool it was to see the ultrasound yesterday! She said he has hair, and sure enough you could see the light fuzz around his head on the ultrasound! Also, we saw his cute little face and he looks just like Ethan! He has HUGE cheeks and a little pointy chin just like Ethan did when he was born. So that was very cool. Too bad it wasn't the 4D ultrasound but I guess it's nice to leave some things to be a surprise. We are just so anxious to meet this little guy! Wish me luck!!!

Birthday Recap

So my crappy bday turned out to be nice, as we decided to celebrate on Saturday since we were too busy with school and work during the week. Also, Josh's parents came up for the weekend. We had grilled chicken and steaks, with salad and a half and half plain cheesecake/chocolate chip cheesecake for my birthday cake! It was really yummy AND Josh did all the cooking and prepping. With the weather being so beautiful, we went to the park and fed the geese and stuff, and it turned out to be a nice low-key birthday celebration.
Sunday was also a beautiful day and Josh's parents left early so Josh, Ethan, and I went back to the park to feed the geese and we ended up taking a short hike through one of the trails to a really pretty waterfall. We also had another cookout, this time with my parents at their house. Josh's parents drove Zach's car up here and took the truck back, so Josh worked on cleaning the inside and outside of the car for a good part of the day. It's nice that we'll have two cars that will fit both of the kids and also that Josh gets to drive Zach's car and take care of instead of his parents selling it.

Busy Summer!

Wow! I just finished adding some things to my calendar and I can't believe that almost every weekend is full already! Actually, the craziness starts in May with Mother's Day, my cousin's wedding, my niece's birthday party and my mom's bday. Oh, and our 5 year anniversary at the end of the month! In June we have Chelsea's shower and bachelorette party, Father's Day, and Jack Johnson concert. July is the least busy month so far with just one weekend booked up for a fishing trip with my entire family and also the fourth of July (which is on a Friday this year!). August will be crazy busy with the frisbee golf camping/outing, Chelsea's wedding extravaganza weekend!, and Kim and Nic's anniversary party! Whew! PLUS, all of the other random outings, parties, and cookouts that are planned spontaneously. I'm glad it's a busy summer but I don't want it to go too fast!

Baby Update

I had another appointment yesterday that was the first of 3 internal exams. It's about as fun as it sounds but at least I found out the baby is head down, so that is good news! I am not dilated or effaced yet, which I learned has no bearing on when the baby will be born. Some women walk around for days and weeks dilating and others don't dilate at all until the day the baby is born! I also found out that my induction will be at 7:30am on the 23rd. My doctor told me I will be hooked up to an IV which will slowly release the pitosin and start mild contractions. Once my water breaks (or is broken for me) I will start to have intense contractions. At 4cm dilated I can have an epidural which I'm definitely doing as I did with Ethan!

Also, yesterday was my last day at work! I had told them I would try to make it until the 18th, but yesterday morning I got a migraine just as I got to work and it just hit me that it was getting to be too much with the drive downton and back everyday. And of course all of the other stressful things I have to deal with in a normal work day. Once I had made the decision, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders, knowing that I can enjoy the last few weeks (or days) of this pregnancy. I'm proud of myself for making it this far and am very grateful for having a healthy and uneventful pregnancy that allowed me to be able to work full-time for this long. As this pregnancy draws to a close, I can't help but think how different it was than with Ethan! I was so stressed out throughout my whole pregnancy with him, and I'm still anxious but I feel like I know hat to expect this time.

Random Pondering Thoughts...
So we went to Mark and Shan's today for an "opening day" party to watch the game and stuff. Eric and Lisa brought their 3 month old Caleb and everyone got to talking about marriage and kids. As everyone went around and said their opinions on the what they want to do and what is right, I got to thinking about how there really is no one right way. For instance, one to some people, it is important to have a lot of kids and create a family above all else. For others, it is about pursuing a career and having a nice home, etc... and not so much about having a child. It really made me realize that everyone has some aspect of their life that they haven't figured out yet. For instance, Josh and I have a great family life and marriage and another child on the way, yet we haven't conquered having a career or buying a home, etc...We just seem to slide by somehow in that way, even though it's something that is really important to us. On the other hand, there are other people who have their careers and money in order and have a house but can't seem to agree on children or have been trying to have a child and can't. It seems that there is always something out of reach for all of us that we care deeply about but haven't quite gotten there yet. As I listened to everyone debate about marriage and children and jobs, I really realized that there is no one right way. And no person is better over the other for what they have or do not have. Eventually, we'll all get there. Also, it is better to admit to yourself that maybe you don't want children and want to focus on other things rather than having a kid and THEN realizing you didn't want to be a parent! Some people want to have kids early and others would rather focus on careers while they are young and have kids later. I used to be adamant about having children early, but I don't really think one way is better over the other. And no matter which path in life is right for you, there will be the same amount of challenges either way. After all, it's usually when you think you've got it all figured at that things fall apart! Like Josh's mom always tells us, it may seem like things are difficult now, but enjoy the ride because it's when you think you have all that you want in terms of financial stability and a good job, etc... is when things get boring and monotonous. I guess I've had this on my mind because of our situation as I am about to have the baby and Josh is still looking for a job! I know it will be a challenge but I know we won't fail, and we've been through A LOT of difficult times so we know what we are in for! Although I he can get a "job" I REALLY hope this Kohler thing works out next week; keep you fingers crossed!
Whew! Ok that was a lot, but I have a lot on my mind these days!

Incoherent Ramblings?

Baby Brain
Do I make sense? When I write or talk, do people understand what I am saying?! Okay, I've read in my pregnacy "bible" a million times that, especially in the ninth month, women can become really forgetfull and have a hard time understanding things and concentrating, AKA "baby brain" or "pregnancy brain". Ok, it happened a little with Ethan, but NOTHING like this time. I just got off the phone with a lady at work and I seriously could not undestand what she was trying to ask me and I felt like a total idiot trying to pull something out of my ass that should have been a relatively easy question to answer! And this has happened to me a bunch of times recently where I look like a total moron because I cannot understand what people are trying to say!

Birthday Blues
This birthday is really shitty. Not only am I huge and pregnant and tired, but Josh has school all day! Poo. My mom is taking me and Ethan out to dinner tonight so hopefully it will end up being a nice time. I've pretty much decided that birthdays suck after 25 anyways, but this one is especially crappy!

Labor Scare!
Okay, not really that dramatic, but yesterday and the night before I felt like CRAP and I was having a few contractions. I may have already had some Braxton Hicks contractions but these were like almost real, with the back pain and everything. Then I was feeling really lethargic and weak and was getting some crazy hot flashes. I actually stayed home from work "just in case". The baby was flip floping around all crazy and I thought something was up,but all is ok now. I'm SO looking forward to my appointment tomorrow, because from now on I go once a week and they do internal exams to see how far along things are. I am excited to see if things are "happening"! This ninth month just hit me like o ton of bricks. All of the sudden I am super emotional and my anxiety level has sky rocketed. I think it was better the first time, because i didn't know what to expect. Although, I just read a very good article regarding pregnancy and anxiety. It was all about how we are exposed to way too much information about pregnancy and all of the things that can go wrong. This includes all of the books, articles, and reality TV shows out there (have you ever watched Discovery Health? Don't when you are pregnant!) In reality, the chances of complications with the mother and/or baby are miniscule but they appear so overblown because of all we are exposed to in the media. For those of you that have not had a baby yet, my biggest piece of advice is get the pregnancy "bible" (What to Expect When You're Expecting") because it really is informative yet reassuring and of course you should be educated. Also, take childbirth classes, it really helps first timers! But try not to read too many books, parenting magazines, or watch crazy shows like Discovery Health and all that becasue it will freak you out and you will not enjoy your pregnancy.

The End....
Anyways, I just needed to vent today (my crappy birthday) but i will be posting again tomorrow after my appointment and stuff. I'd vent to Josh, but I think he is scared of me right now! I either end up freaking out and yelling at him or crying hysterically, soI decided to give him a break!

"Springing" Ahead!

Baby

I had another appointment today and I finally found out my induction date: Wednesday April 23!!! So if I do not go into labor naturally before then, I will be induced on that date and hopefully we'll have the baby that day! I only have 3 more appointments until I go in to the hospital. We are SUPER excited and now I need to seriously finish the baby's room and finish all my shopping. I've been reading a lot about inductions and also I've been hearing a lot of stories from women who have had them and I've heard both sides of the story. Some say it was quick and easy and others say they had the pitosin (sp?) administered and nothing happened for a few days or they ended up having a c-section. But there is a new gel they use before the hormone is given that supposedly starts dissolving the membranes and can induce labor without anything else. Also, since this is my second, chances are my body is good and ready to do it's thing and it'll hopefully go okay. I think she said I will go in the morning, but the scheduler lady at my doctor's office has to call the hospital to schedule it, so I will find out for sure at my next appointment. We will keep you all updated via email as the details come in and the date gets closer. Yay!

Josh

In my last post, I wrote about how Josh and I were getting a little worries about the job "situation" (meaning how he doesn't have one yet!!!) Although, all we can do is take it day by day, since I still have my job and insurance and all that. However, he went up to Kohler with Mark today and got some really good feedback . He met a ceramic engineer and other people in the ceramics department and they seemed very interested in him working there. They said that with his Masters degree he should be able to get into a position as a product analyst or related to that. Also, he can always get a job in the production area until he moves intyo a higher position. He is supposed to meet the head of the graphics department next week so hopefully that will go as well as it did today. They are always looking for product designers, etc... and I guess it is very common for people to move around in the company based on their interests and skills. So that went really well and hopefully we'll possibly get something out of it. Keep your fingers crossed!!!!

After ALL the crap we've been through in the past couple of years with Zach being sick and passing away, and money issues, and moving around a lot, I REALLY hope that things are turning around for us now. I feel like with this new baby and spring coming and possible leads on a job for Josh , maybe we can actually have some luck for once in our lives. Not that we haven't been blessed with so many things, but it'd be nice to see something good happen for a change! And I really like my job now and I'm actually going to be taking on some other responsibilities after I go back that will definitely give me a nice pay increase. I guess we can't take it too seriously since you never know what is going to happen. Like what happened with Zach; I'm sure he had hopes and plans and goals and then he got sick and didn't get a chance to do any of it. It makes me think of watching someone make a house out of cards and they finally get it all to stay together; then somebody just walks by and a little breeze blows the whole thing down. That's how I picture life too; you work so hard to get everything stacked up in the right ways and then in a split second it can all be over. So in the big picture, I know we are really lucky to have what we have and I can't dwell on the what if's...

Randomness

Quick Baby Update

Nothing new really. We won't really know much until I have an ultrasound in another few weeks and then my doctor can see how big he is and if/when i will be induced. I'm basically starting to feel very tired, unbalanced, and more tired. So sleepy...

Zach

Josh and his parents are donating a park bench to Zach's favorite frisbee disc course in Iowa. They are in the process of getting a plaque engraved that will be on the bench, with a short rememberence passage and Zach's name and birth date and date he passed away. I thought it was a really awesome way to honor Zach since he LOVED disc golf and sadly didn't get to play much the last couple years. Also, it is something his friends will see everytime they go there to play. They are also having a trophy made for the fantasy football group Zach was involved in, which he was also very passionate about. So every year, whoever wins will be able to keep the trophy until the next year. His parents wrote to the Packers telling them the story etc...and asked if they could get an NFL football for the trophy, but the were denied!!! Can you believe it? Although I'm sure they get thousands of these type of requests, it's only a ball, you wouldn't think it would have been hard for them to do! Oh well, either way I think they are both really nice tributes that would have been very meaningful to Zach.

Ethan Vogel...Teacher's Pet

I HAD to put this in here, because aside from the many things Ethan has accomplished and I'm proud of, this was the first from an outside source. He goes to daycare twice a week, and last Thursday his "teacher" gave him a little stuffed animal Eyeore for being such a good helper and good listener! She said he always listens and helps pick up the toys and things and helps the other kids. I thought that was so super cute because it shows we are doing something right, I guess! Yay Ethan!

Josh

Josh has been looking for a job in the graphics field for like 12537567 weeks now, and we still haven't heard anything! Aside from the fact that we have a child arriving in less than 2 months, he's starting to feel really bad about this! His resume looks awesome and stuff, so we just don't know what's up. But he is meeting Mark in Kohler in two weeks where Mark is going to introduce him to some "peeps" that may be able to hook him up with a job! Kohler would be an awesome and perfect place for Josh considering his knowledge and talent in ceramics AND his newfound skills in graphics. Oh wow, can you tell i've written a few cover letters for him?!? Anyways, everyone PLEASE keep your fingers crossed or pray or whatever you have to do, that something pans out. I'm getting really nervouse now!!! If anything I'll just have to take the minimum for my maternity leave (6 weeks) and then go back to work while he watches the baby and Ethan! That means I'll have to buy the $300 breast pump so I can frickin' pump my boobies at work super fast like 10 times a day!

And now..."Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy

All this talking about people passing away between Josh and I, and reading about it/hearing about from Monica and Katie has really got me thinking. Of course it's been in the forefront of my mind ever since Zach's passing. Although I'm still in the grieving process and expect to be for awhile, I know I am not affected in the way Josh and his family is. I could never truly understand unless it happened to my own sibling, parent, child, etc... I'm seeing it more from the outside in, and have a different perspective on it. I, for one, haven't really changed the way I view death, religion, spirituality, etc... whereas Josh, who was never a "sprirtual" or religious person as long as I've known him, has definately changed in his hopes that zach is in "A better place" or somehow his spirit is still present. Because of the personal nature of it, and out of respect for Josh, I won't divulge any details but i will say that in the past week two people extrememly close to Zach have engaged in experiences where they have actually had evidence of Zach's spiritual presence. I can't help but think about this...I don't know if it could be true or is our brain so powerful that we can think we see/hear/believe things because we want that person to be there so badly? I'd be interested to hear other poeple's perspectives on this. I honestly don't know what to think. Aside from sometimes getting that "feeling like someone's there" when they are not, i've never had any experience that would prove to me that people can exist beyond our physical world. Which doesn't mean I don't believe it's a possibilty, I just don't know.

Also, another thing that this experience has done is made me really aware of my own mortality. Not in a selfish way or anything, just in the way that anyone of us could have heard those words, "you have cancer" and then been gone 2 years later. It forces me to think about my life and find some sort of peace in knowing this could happen to me, my family, my friends, at anytime. I thinks it's more about the fear of the unknown and also the fear of not being in control of my own future. As much as we prepare and plan for things in life, you really have to accept that you do not have control over it. I mean, Zach wasn't the epitome of health, but he wasn't UNhealthy; he was as healthy as most other people I know. It makes you really live in the moment. You think about the way you treat people, making sure you say "i love you" before you walk out the door, because it may be the last thing you do. I know it's a bit morbid, but it was like a wake up call for me. I really look at the way i am with Ethan and Josh and other family and friends. Little arguements and annoyances just aren't worth it anymore. I'd rather spend my time enjoying the people in my life.

Back to the issue of spirituality...I always kind of wished that Josh wasn't so anti-religious back in the day, because I was never really sure of my beliefs but i knew i wasn't anti-anything. It's funny how he is sort of changing now that Zach has passed away, and i'm almost on the other end of the spectrum. I'm definately not atheist or anything but I'm still unsure of things. I consider myself a very spiritual person, in the sense that I am very in tune with my mind, body, and well-being. I believe in the power of the mind and finding peace within yourself, but i don't have a solid "religious" belief. To me, religion just hasn't been important in my life. I definately have issues with some of the hardcore "religions" which i talk about in one of my myspace blogs. I believe spirituality is something you find within yourself and in your own way. I don't necessarily think I "need" to believe that people who have died are still around spiritualy. I do believe that our physical bodies and our "energy" return to the earth or energy around us. I just can't do the whole "pearly gates" thing. I know that's only one way of thinking of it, but I can't force myself to change in that way. I see it more as something one may need to cope with the experience of death and grief, etc... in that moment. I guess maybe life has taken its toll on me lately and I've become a little more closed off in my ability to believe in certain things. I'm more practical with things these days. I thought it would be the opposite after i had children, because it is a very amazing experience, but I still find myself questioning things just as i did before ethan came along.

Anyways, just some thoughts...And as I said in my blog about Zach right before he passed away, I hope he had found some sort of peace within himself before he died. I hope he had come to terms, in a way, in what was about to happen to him. Of course, you are going to be terrified because we are human and we are afraid of death. But, hopefully in his own beliefs he found some peace.

Another Baby Update...

So I had another appointment today, and all is well with the baby. My doctor said he's big and very active (of course I already new that!). I'll be going in every two weeks and then once a week starting at 35 weeks. I'll be 31 weeks on Tuesday. I still will have another ultrasound when I get closer to my due date so she can moniter his position and size. If he is bigger than usual, I'll be induced sometime around week 39, so I won't have to have such a rough labor and delivery like I did with Ethan! I can't believe how close we are now! I finally went out and bought a "travel system", where the car seat fits right into the stroller, so that'll be nice. I never got one of those with Ethan, just the separate car seat and stroller. So that will make life a little easier. But it seems that every time I cross something off my list, I add another 5 things to it!
Although the pregnancy is going well, I'm definately feeling it now. I am so tired and it takes a lot of effort to walk for a long time. I'm pretty happy that I haven't had any major swelling or any major problems, but (knock on wood) it's not over yet! Hopefully we will continue to be healthy for the next 8 or 9 weeks!

Random Stuff

A Scene Worth Waking Up For...

I crawled into ethan's bed this morning cause it's super comfy and I'm trying to get him sleeping in his own bed again, but I miss him sleeping next to me too! It was super sweet. I woke up just as daybreak was appearing, where the sky is an icy, steel blue and just illuminates enough so you can barely see. I looked over at my little sweetie and the cold blue light bathed his face and just highlighted enough that he looked like he was glowing, like an angel. I stayed awake just to stare at the beauty before me. He looked so peaceful and serene. My heart broke for Josh's mom more than ever right at that moment. Definately a moment worth waking up for though.

New Jack Johnson CD...

Love, love, love it!!! Super mellow with awesome lyrics and that soothing voice...Uhhh so good. Especially #s 1, 4, 9, and 10. mmmm....

Baby Update!

Well I really haven't had much time to think about baby stuff, since we have been so wrapped up in other things lately. But, I had another appointment last week and the baby is doing great. My doctor surprised me when she said my belly is pretty much all baby (good news: not fat!!) and that he'll probably be bigger than Ethan!!! Oh boy, I really need to prepare myself for this. Since Ethan was 9lbs 3oz, which is big already, I'm getting a little scared! The even better news is that she will not let me go past my due date since he is obviously NOT underweight or anything so if I do not go into labor naturally by the 28th or 30th (in between there) she will induce my labor. The only downside of this is I heard it can prolong the labor, but if all is well i plan to have an epidural like i did with ethan so i shouldn't be in too much pain and/or discomfort after awhile. Of course I will up until I am 5cm dilated (that's when you can receive the epidural) and this is NOT PLEASANT or easier by any means. I was absolutely miserable with ethan at that point. But I am a little more relaxed knowing that I will have my fam there and whoever else would like to come visit us. At least we aren't 3281832 miles away like last time. And I've read that this can ease the perception of pain (knowing that you are close to loved ones can lower anxiety levels, etc....) ANYWAYS! He is big and healthy and very strong (feels those kicks!) and I am getting super excited. Oh, and we're not 100% sure but we are probably naming the baby after his Uncle Zach, which I love so I'm excited about that too. I now have my appointments only 3 weeks apart which means we're really getting close. Soon they'll be two weeks apart and then every week.

The baby's room is pretty much almost done except we still can't find a decent dresser that isn't a million dollars! Plus I still need to get a bunch of stuff, but I actually like shopping for baby stuff so that'll be fun! Ethan is going to be so awesome with his new little bro. He feels my belly all the time and asks how the baby is. He says he is going to help give the baby a bath, and feed him bottles, and all that cute stuff (oh, and apparently how to climb the stairs!). I will be at West Allis Memorial Hospital btw, if anyone wants to come visit when he's here. Ok I'm thinking a little too far ahead now! I'll keep you all updated when I go to my next appointment!

A Beautiful Life

It is so tremendously heartbreaking to think about this and write about this. But, to our disbelief and shock, Zach is losing his battle with non-hodgkins lymphoma; basically, the doctors have deemed the cancer to be terminal. Zach has gone through two years courageously battling his cancer and receiving all of the treatments possible for his disease. He even underwent a bone marrow transplant, however, after each treatment the cancer grows more and more aggresive, hitting harder than ever before. As you can imagine, the entire family is completely devastated, especially his parents and his best friend and brother, Josh. It is just awful to see these loved ones in so much heartbreak and pain. Josh will be spending about half of his time in Iowa to be with Zach and help his parents. He is the rock for his family right now, sitting with Zach, watching movies, talking when he can, and just being there with him. Being there last weekend I could sense the relief in his parents to have Josh around to comfort Zach and ease their stress levels a little.
We just keep asking ourselves Why? Why did this have to happen to such a loving and caring person. someone who would do anything for his friends and family and only wants the best for the people around him. He is always selfless and kind, and if you have even just met him for two seconds, you know he can make anyone feel at ease and as if they have just made a new friend in Zach. he is such a special person and does not deserve to be going through this pain and hurt.
I guess all we can do now is be with him, comfort him, and make sure he is as comfortable as possible.
As I sat with Zach last weekend and the whirlwind of people coming and going to see him, the phone calls, the sniffles and crying in the background, i wonder, what is he thinking right now? About all of this? Mostly with his eyes closed just listening or open so slighlty you can't tell if he is sleeping or awake. He must be taking it all in, letting the world happen around him, as he sits silently in his own world, wondering what is going to happen. When you look in his eyes you know that he is so tired of the pain. But being as strong as he is, he doesn't want to give up. He still drives for a little every night by himself, just to get out and be alone. Away from the world he has come to know, just laying in his bed or in his chair, listening to everything around him. There is a sense of peacefulness around him, he is very calm. I hope in his own way he is coming to terms with what is happening and finding peace within himself and in whatever his beliefs may be in life and death.
I just want to remember Zach for who he is and always will be in our hearts and minds. Caring, strong, funny, loving, selfless, intelligent, sensitive, creative, soulful, and beautiful. What a wonderful person we have all been blessed to know for the time we have known him. To be continued....

Ready for "08!

Now that I've had some time to ponder about what 2007 was and how it has affected me, I am starting to put into action, some goals for 2008. Screw the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing; but I still want to set some goals for myself and my family so we can continue to move forward in our ventures.

Finances
Okay, this is a huge one, since we are constantly struggling with money and we are not very good at financial decisions. So, this year I am working really hard to stay organized and up-to-date on my bills and debts. I have created a chart for monthly bills, where I can keep track of what is due, when, and how much needs to be payed. I've also created a "debt log" in which i am keeping track of our current debts (credit cards, loans, medical bills, etc...) For the average person, we aren't really in bad shape, but we just never make enough money to cover what we owe. So, with Josh finding a job soon and with me working and continuing to work after maternity leave, we are going to try to keep on track so we can repair both of our credit scores. I'd like to have a house someday but if we continue to make bad financial choices, we'll never be able to do it. But, I think we're on the right track. Luckily, Ethan will be starting pre-k in fall and that will take some of the daycare strain off of us as well.

Career
I am determined to keep my job after the new baby comes, and I know it'll be heart-wrenching for me to see my little guy go to daycare, especially so young. But I really think this is the best decision for our family, and I'd like to also start working on getting my career interests in order. I may start taking a class here and there in the future for auto cad so i can advance in that field.

Home
Our biggest goal right now is trying to plan and make meals and have real sit-down meals as a family. With me getting home around 5:30 we usually get fast food or grab a pizza or whatever and we are trying to let go of that bad habit for obvious reasons. Growing up, we always had family meals, especially dinner. Even if it was just grilled cheese, we still sat down together and talked and I'd really like to create that for us as well. So, we are trying our hardest to clean off the papers/toys/junk covered kitchen table every night and eat together, and enforcing better eating habits in Ethan. Luckily, Josh is an awesome cook, so when he gets the urge to create a good meal, it's like eating a gourmet meal. Some of his best recipes are:
1. Italian chicken and pasta
2. Bow-Tie Pasta with Garlic Butter and Herb Sauce
3. Baked Tilapia Fillets with Potato Crust and Shredded Veggie Salad
4. Fried Chicken Bites w/BBQ Sauce (and ranch dip, yum!!)
5. Oven Broiled Sandwiches with cheese and herbs
Mine are:
1. Baked Potato Soup
2. Scalloped Potatoes
hmmm...I like potatoes. I'm not the greatest original chef, so I'll leave this one to Josh! Hopefully, I'll add a recipe section here soon!

Health/Personal
I've been trying really hard to be more health conscious during this pregnancy. I have to admit, I was pretty bad with Ethan! I ate lots of fast food and ice cream and sweets!! I have had a few (or more!) slip-ups with this one too, but on the brighter side, I have included a lot more fruits and veggies to my diet. And I really try to stay away from soda. The one hard thing is caffeine because I love chocolate! But I really don't have the stomach for a lot of sugar so it's usually in very small amounts. But I do feel much better during this pregnancy and a lot more energetic. One thing I haven't done is exercise, which i didn't really do with Ethan either. But i feel so guilty if I'm not spending all my free time after work with Ethan; it's so hard to balance out working, being a mom, and trying to have time to take care of myself! But this time, I am much more aware of what I'm eating and I'm really trying to keep my weight gain under control. So far I've gained about 16 pounds which is pretty good. I think at this point in pregnancy the average weight gain should be between 16-22lbs so I'm on the lower end of that at least! Also, of course I have quit smoking and drinking and I'd like to continue that after the baby comes. Of course I'll have an occasional drink here and there, but now with two kids, i definitely don't want to start smoking again. I feel SO much better just being "clean" and not putting toxic things in my body. It is very rejuvenating.

To Be Continued...

2007 Wrap-Up

Now that the new year is here and things have settled down since the holidays, I've actually had time to think about what 2007 was for me. I guess it was a pretty eventful year! Here are some of the major events!!
Career/School/Life
Early in the year, Josh and I made the decision for me to work full-time and for him to go back to school for graphic design. After many months of discussion, we finally agreed that looking for a ceramics teaching job needed to go on the back burner for now because we had finally come to the realization of everything that was involved in trying to obtain one of these so called "university teaching jobs". Just out of sheer coincidence and to our own naivety of the situation we already had many things going against us in this venture. We've spent so many months and weeks and hours and minutes scrutinizing reasons why this wasn't happening for him after all of the effort and work and heart he (we!) put into school and working towards this goal. We decided that we needed to, in a way, accept what was happening and move on, but there is so much more to it than that. Josh went through a definite period of mourning and loss for one of his first and most important passions in life! So we will never give up on attaining one of our most loved and important goals in life. In a way, it is kind of a blessing because we realized what is important to us and specific things we want in our life together.
1. We want a family, and while we're young, and with all of the traveling and "internships" Josh would need to do before even being considered for one of these positions, it wouldn't be feasible, financially and/or emotionally.
2. We love to be close to our friends and family, especially while we're young and have young children. Again, with traveling and basically having to go wherever it takes you; not something we want to do right now.
3. More schooling. Unbeknownst to us at the time, and apparently to Josh's professor's, he needed an MFA not an MA and probably additional schooling. Most of the people who get these jobs stay in the program for years until they are basically "given" a job.
I guess those are the three BIG reasons why we made this decision, plus Josh is talented in art either way, and he's already doing awesome with graphics and he loves it! SO, wow, that was a big thing for us in 2007!

On the other side of the spectrum, I started out working full-time and finally fell into a job that I can actually say "I like"! I learned autocad and am becoming pretty good at it, and also i get to "consult" in design ideas with people who come in that are building or remodeling their home. Oh, and a HUGE realization for me since I was going to school for interior design!!...I now am very sure that I DO NOT want to be an interior designer. I work with them all the time here, and they are crazy people!! And the clients they work with are usually very rich, very snobby, and very insane! So, recently, I entertained the thought of going for the autocad/drafter thing as a career move. I like it cause i get to be alone :) and I'm good at it.

Personal
Josh's brother Zach has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. and to all of our great regret and shock, the cancer keeps coming back, even after many treatments. Zach had a bone marrow transplant last year (using his own marrow) and the cancer came back even after that. Josh was tested and we were shocked to learn that he is not a match for Zach, however, Zach apparently has thousands of matches on the national registry. He and his parents will be on their way to the Mayo clinic in about a week or so, to talk about other treatment options. Please pray for Zach and keep him in your thoughts!!

On a lighter note, yay!!! we are having another baby. Not something that was "planned" but obviously we aren't stupid so we knew there was a chance. Anyways, we super excited to have another awesome little baby in our lives, and also for Ethan to finally have someone to play with!!!

In conclusion...
Unless it's completely awful, I usually tend to see the brighter side of things, so at first I thought 2007 wasn't such a great year. But after thinking about it, I really believe it to be a blessing in disguise. We made some really big life decisions that are really starting to pay off and definitely will help us in the future. I learned a lot about our relationship and who I am as person and what I want to do with my life. It actually was a huge year for me. Maybe, there wasn't a whole lot of really big things "happening" but I did a lot of learning and growing, and hopefully we will begin to reap some of the rewards this year that we worked so hard for in "07!!!

Belly Babbling

Okay, this is my first post although I am in my 6th month (!!) of my second pregnancy. Just as a short overview, this is a much less dramatic pregnancy than my first, with less exaggerated symptoms (i.e. i'm all stretched out already!) However, it is equally as exciting and at times uncomfortable. I am definately to the point where I feel like a waddling cow (?) Well either way, very large, and very UN-graceful and/or UN-coordinated. Also, to the point where people feel the need to point out how pregnant I am and that my belly has grown dramatically in the last couple of weeks. YES, I know this people!!! Since generally I do not like attention from random people it kinda sucks having people stare and make random comments about babies or ask random questions, etc...However, on the lighter side of things, and not to get into too much detail about the many discomforts of pregnancy, I am in full shopping mode for the new little guy, and we have the baby's room almost completely set up. I have decided that I am kinda over the whole huge "room decorating" because I've been through it once and you do all of this work and all of the sudden he's a little boy, not a baby, and what do i do with all of the little cutsie stuff? I love going out and picking out all the little clothes and yummy smelling lotions and stuff; it makes it so real! Although I am a little perturbed that many of the things I hoped to have are suddenly missing, either lost at my sister's house or in some other state from moving so much. But it is nice to buy new stuff too, so it's ok. On a final note, I am still VERY anxious about the impending labor. I don't know what's worse; the first baby when you have no idea what labor will be like, or the children after, knowing exactly what you're going to go through. AHHHHH!!!! Josh does a good job of calming my nerves and at least I know how great the reward is for going through all of the pain!!