All this talking about people passing away between Josh and I, and reading about it/hearing about from Monica and Katie has really got me thinking. Of course it's been in the forefront of my mind ever since Zach's passing. Although I'm still in the grieving process and expect to be for awhile, I know I am not affected in the way Josh and his family is. I could never truly understand unless it happened to my own sibling, parent, child, etc... I'm seeing it more from the outside in, and have a different perspective on it. I, for one, haven't really changed the way I view death, religion, spirituality, etc... whereas Josh, who was never a "sprirtual" or religious person as long as I've known him, has definately changed in his hopes that zach is in "A better place" or somehow his spirit is still present. Because of the personal nature of it, and out of respect for Josh, I won't divulge any details but i will say that in the past week two people extrememly close to Zach have engaged in experiences where they have actually had evidence of Zach's spiritual presence. I can't help but think about this...I don't know if it could be true or is our brain so powerful that we can think we see/hear/believe things because we want that person to be there so badly? I'd be interested to hear other poeple's perspectives on this. I honestly don't know what to think. Aside from sometimes getting that "feeling like someone's there" when they are not, i've never had any experience that would prove to me that people can exist beyond our physical world. Which doesn't mean I don't believe it's a possibilty, I just don't know.
Also, another thing that this experience has done is made me really aware of my own mortality. Not in a selfish way or anything, just in the way that anyone of us could have heard those words, "you have cancer" and then been gone 2 years later. It forces me to think about my life and find some sort of peace in knowing this could happen to me, my family, my friends, at anytime. I thinks it's more about the fear of the unknown and also the fear of not being in control of my own future. As much as we prepare and plan for things in life, you really have to accept that you do not have control over it. I mean, Zach wasn't the epitome of health, but he wasn't UNhealthy; he was as healthy as most other people I know. It makes you really live in the moment. You think about the way you treat people, making sure you say "i love you" before you walk out the door, because it may be the last thing you do. I know it's a bit morbid, but it was like a wake up call for me. I really look at the way i am with Ethan and Josh and other family and friends. Little arguements and annoyances just aren't worth it anymore. I'd rather spend my time enjoying the people in my life.
Back to the issue of spirituality...I always kind of wished that Josh wasn't so anti-religious back in the day, because I was never really sure of my beliefs but i knew i wasn't anti-anything. It's funny how he is sort of changing now that Zach has passed away, and i'm almost on the other end of the spectrum. I'm definately not atheist or anything but I'm still unsure of things. I consider myself a very spiritual person, in the sense that I am very in tune with my mind, body, and well-being. I believe in the power of the mind and finding peace within yourself, but i don't have a solid "religious" belief. To me, religion just hasn't been important in my life. I definately have issues with some of the hardcore "religions" which i talk about in one of my myspace blogs. I believe spirituality is something you find within yourself and in your own way. I don't necessarily think I "need" to believe that people who have died are still around spiritualy. I do believe that our physical bodies and our "energy" return to the earth or energy around us. I just can't do the whole "pearly gates" thing. I know that's only one way of thinking of it, but I can't force myself to change in that way. I see it more as something one may need to cope with the experience of death and grief, etc... in that moment. I guess maybe life has taken its toll on me lately and I've become a little more closed off in my ability to believe in certain things. I'm more practical with things these days. I thought it would be the opposite after i had children, because it is a very amazing experience, but I still find myself questioning things just as i did before ethan came along.
Anyways, just some thoughts...And as I said in my blog about Zach right before he passed away, I hope he had found some sort of peace within himself before he died. I hope he had come to terms, in a way, in what was about to happen to him. Of course, you are going to be terrified because we are human and we are afraid of death. But, hopefully in his own beliefs he found some peace.
2 comments:
Whew!! I loved this post! And OF course really want to comment in my own special LOOOONG way ;)
1. I do find it interesting that Josh has become more spiritual through this. Some people go the opposite route in that they are "angry with God" and even denounce religion because no God would put a person through that much pain. I think whatever happens to people who mourn is natural either way. People go through whatever helps them at the time. With that said, I would prefer a stronger spiritual outlook to that of anger because it is more positive and more constructive in the long healing process. So in that respect, I'm happy and even a little relieved that Josh feels that thinking about Zach "in a better place" is helpful and healing.
2. Remember how I said that stuff about seeing my dad even though I know it isn't him? On the most ABSTRACT level, maybe it IS him...sure, in that case, it's "all in my head" because it's physically impossible for my dead father to take the shape of some stranger and then disappear again. But perhaps these even stronger experiences that YOU mentioned, something is going on that we just cannot possibly understand with our mere mortal minds. I will explain...
3. Touching on this abstract concept of God and "a better place" and the Afterlife, two things: first, have you ever experienced a pet's death or know someone close who has? If so, we always say "oh s/he's in kitty/dog heaven now!" Even as adults we say this! And some part of us even believes it. But more importantly, there's another part of us that knows this is ridiculous :) But we tell ourselves it's true because it's comforting. Secondly, I like to think about the concept of Santa Claus. Kids gotta have their Santas and Easter Bunnies and Tooth Fairies. And in addition to just being fun, it's a way for them to wrap their minds around mature situations: generosity/behaving, rebirth, and no pain, no gain haha! Once we grow up we don't need these fantastical stories anymore to understand what's really going on. Or do we?? To bring us back to religion, I often think of religion as a way for us humans to cope with something we don't understand. Now am I saying Jesus and/or God are just as fake as the Easter Bunny? No, not exactly...but on some level I feel as though we try and make some parts of religion so REAL that it becomes ridiculous. Obviously I'm a practicing Catholic, giving stuff up for Lent, Eucharistic minister, the whole nine yards! But I still understand that there are things about the spirituality of our universe that I cannot and will not be able to wrap my brain around till my dying day. So in THIS lifetime, I always have in the back of my mind that Christianity is merely a way to "dumb it all down" (man am I rockin the blasphemy in this comment!). Thus, I am able to practice spirituality in the way that I understand and feel comfortable. The day people impose THEIR version of spirituality on you is the day it all goes to hell, no pun intended. Religion is incredibly personal and no two people will practice it the exact same way. And if we all did, it would be a shame because then we're all gray and ashy (from the sci fi book Lathe of Heaven!)
Ok I think I've said quite enough! But I love these deep topics we've all been having lately...well deep and not so deep, i.e. Hwy 100 cruising shenanigans haha!!
HAHA! Deep, not so deep! You are SO right. How do we go from this to talking about drunken HS parties!?!?
Anyways, thanks for the great response! I'm always curious to hear what other people think about this topic because I carry it very close to me. Like I said, I do consider myself a spiritual person and I could never let that go. And I agree with you 12366190%!! I think people SHOULD have a way of coping with this life in spirituality, whether it's true or not. I don't think it would be human, NOT to try and find a way to deal with life on a different level than just facts and science, etc...I only disagree with "religion" when they it is imposing, threating, and/or dangerous; like cults and stuff. I think our need for spirituality only extends my beliefs that there is a spiritual realm in the universe.Maybe there is a reason why we are wired to be this way.(?)
Also, I do think it's great that Josh is hoping that Zach is in a better place. I was really afraid that he'd be so angry and hurt that he'd deal with it the "other" way, but I think he knows Zach would have been disapointed in him if he'd gone that route. I think that's a great way for Josh to create a "legacy" for Zach, like he wanted. To live through him, in a way. Which is such a beautiful thing, because Josh just had such pure love for him, and Zach was such a kindhearted and caring person. I feel that Josh is making peace with things in such a great way. He's just kinder and more compassionate since everything happened and I truly do believe that is Zach's influence.
As far as the whole topic of experiencing someone's presence, I'm still unsure but only because it has never happened to me. It's like saying I know how I'd deal with a situation when it's never happened to me. I don't like to make claims like that because I've never been through it, therefore I have no way of judging it. Who am I to judge anyways? As for the two people who claim to have had "experiences of Zach's presence", I have no reason to ever think they would make it up. It is very intiguing to me, I almost wish I would experience it sometime.
This is so important to me, especially now with having kids, because I want to teach them about religion and spirituality in a positive way. I never felt that I learned anything from all my years of church and CCD classes and all that. I don't want to "force" a religion onto my kids and say "because I said you have to" or anything like that. So it's good to hear someone else's opnion on it that it very positive and not overbearing. I think it's really great if you can find peace and comfort in your own religion but still be open-minded about things, which is exactly what I strive for in my own spiritualty and for my family as well. Thanks Kitty!!
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