This post has been brewing for a long time. I guess as I get older I start to try and piece together things about myself. It's like one's life is a big puzzle and we are constantly trying to it the pieces together so everything "makes sense". I guess it started because I will find myself thinking about certain moments of my past over and over again until i ask myself, why am i obsessing over this moment? It must be really important to me if i can't stop thinking about it.
I feel like I drew so many things from other people in my life that in no way knew they were an influence on me. Now I realize i was gathering pieces to my own puzzle, building my belief system, over time, which of course is a huge part of who I am today. I am not a proponent of people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and always blame everything happening to them in the present on their dysfunctional upbringing. Of course, terrible things happen or maybe even just mediocre bad things happen and we believe that is our destiny. So we all weren't raised perfect because humans are not perfect. I am a mom and i know i am not perfect. It will be part of each of my children's own life adventure to find their way and figure out their values and who they are as a person. Of course I am desperately trying to guide them to be kind, patient and compassionate individuals!
You pull from memories and experiences and hold on to what you know is loving and good. My husband taught me how to be affectionate and loving because I didn't come from a physically affectionate family. I don't think i realized how special and healing it is just to give someone a hug everyday. And my children are a very affectionate group, which I am very proud of. Human interaction, touch and feel is so important in becoming a compassionate person (i believe).
I try to be mindful of my memories and think, what would I have thought about this when I was Ethan's age or Zach's age? Would I have wanted someone to be supportive of me even when all I did as complain and beg to quit? Would I have just wanted a hug or shoulder to lean on when I'm feeling let down? It's like saying to my children, I did not have this gift (i.e. patience) as a child so I want to give you my patience and understanding because I have witnessed that so many great things can come from having them in your life.
I am not resentful or angry at my parents, my family or my past and this is in no way some negative story about that. People do what they can and what they know how to do. That doesn't mean we need to demonize each other because in the end, it is only within yourself that you can find true happiness, whether you were brought up in a perfect situation ( nearly impossible) or handed every bad card life has to offer. The only way to find peace, is with peace :)
I am feeling so grateful for every person in my life who has contributed to my puzzle because it makes me a more complete person. And now I feel I can let go of these moments chattering away at me, even the positive ones. I can accept these qualities as part of who I am now, and not something I once put on a pedestal and worshiped and thought I couldn't ever have because no one ever gave it to me. I guess it took until now to realize these qualities just ARE. They are within all of us and it is up to us to let go of whatever it is that is not allowing them to be present in our lives.
I feel, in the end, I am writing so many of these posts for my children. Because I worry and wonder every single day if I am getting through to them and influencing them positively or am I letting the little distractions of life get in my way. I was a very sensitive child and I picked up on every emotion, every word, every action. So I am hyper-aware of everything that goes on in my family between my children, my husband and I, my husband and my children, myself and the children, etc...This is why I focus so diligently on every word and action, because i know how much that can influence a person. And if that happens many times to a person in a negative manner, it takes a lot of practice to let them go.
The hardest thing for me is to see people i care about stuck in the past. Maybe they are not even aware that they have the ability to let the past go and become a peaceful and happy person.
I want my kids to know that there are so many ways to gather pieces to complete their own puzzle. Just because something didn't present itself to you as you expected it do, does not mean you must let that get in the way of your own happiness. Just because i wasn't raised in a physically affectionate environment has not made me believe that is "just the way I am" and I will never use the excuse of "well, that's how I was raised." There is nothing more miserable than pigeonholing yourself. Give yourself the gift of letting go and just being in the present. If you can give yourself the gift of silence and emptiness of the mind, you can allow so many wonderful things in, to fulfill your destiny.
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