Another huge update as the craziness keeps on going for the Vogel fam. First, we have been SUPER stressed with this stupid living situation and Josh and I pretty much moved everything into storage. Then we actually ended up just giving our landlord rent because we knew we weren't going to find a place quickly enough in order to be out and not have to pay full rent for the month. On top of Josh starting his new job, looking for a place to live,and trying to take care of two kids I nearly had a nervous breakdown the night before Chelsea's shower. All-in-all I had tons of fun at the shower and the little bit of the bachelorette party I went to, but truthfully, I am just too stressed out right now to really enjoy a social outing. Of course I wouldn't have missed it for the world but it seemed to add to my stress instead of ease it.
I found a couple of decent places I liked (townhouses) but it turned out Josh hates the area one of them is in and he wouldn't even go to see it with me after I had already seen it and basically told the lady we'd take it! So that just turned into a huge fight since I have been trying to find a place for us while he is at work, which isn't easy considering I have to take two kids with me everywhere I go. He is being SUPER picky about location and everything and wants to go for a cheaper 2 bedroom place so we can start saving for a down payment for a house. Of course I want that too, but we really have too much stuff for a smaller place now and he doesn't realize that $800 and $900 is pretty much standard rent for a decent place these days! I started freaking out again yesterday about all of this and I was just about to lose it again when the strangest thing happened. I was dragging the kids to the bank inside the pick n save on 76th street to deposit a check and I was crying in the car before because of all the stress and I hadn't eaten all day, etc...and was feeling really shitty and down. I was looking at the ground with the baby carseat about to break my arm off and ethan lagging behind when I looked up to see a really old frail man walking out towards me. He looked at me and said "Can I take him home?" (refering to Ethan). I looked at him with a tired half smile and said "Sure, that would be great" (joking of course). He said, "You know, in a year, you won't say that". I asked him, "Why is that?" and he said "because he's your treasure". Just like that. I said "you're right, yes he is". and turned to walk away. All of the sudden I felt like I was moving in slow motion and felt everything slow down around me. My heart relaxed and tension eased out of my shoulders. That one comment just grounded me and my world in that moment. As, I stood in line for the bank, I picked Ethan up and just held him and hugged him for a long time. Ethan said, "Mom what are you doing?" and I realized by stressing out I am just hurting him in the end. As long as I have the people around me that I love and that love me, everything else will be ok.
Later that evening, Josh and I were fighting about stuff again and it just blew up into other past things that are totally stupid (the same shit we always bring up to each other just to piss the other person off!). I wanted so bad to stay mad at Josh just because I was feeling sorry for myself and us and all of the shit that's been going on. Then Josh came to sit next to me and looked at me and said, no matter what is happening now, he'd rather be in it with me, then have everything else be perfect, but not have me there. He was really sweet, just saying that he wouldn't know what to do if he didn't have me there, becasue we are best friends and I just started crying again.
For some reason we always seem to take one step forward and two (or three or four!) back. We really have been fighting so hard to get things together and it just won't ease up. I know Josh's job is a definite blessing since it is a REAL job and has a lot of potential. AND the thought of soon buying a house is great. But I know the road to get there will be long and bumpy...
4 comments:
Ugh. Life's been sucking for a lot of people lately!
I don't blame you for nearly losing it. I would absolutely go crazy with your living situation. BUT it all has to end sometime, so hopefully soon you'll be in a new home that you love before you know it!
Are you still trying to look around Hales Corners for a place?
I'm sorry you two are fighting a lot. But in stressful times you can't quite help but lash out. Especially when you're in it together. But Josh is SO SWEET what he said. B/c it really is true, i think :)
I love that old man story too. He was like your conscience or something!
Well, for you and for the rest of us going through rough times - let's all hope to take 2 steps forward and NONE backwards :)
WOW!!! What a post! The old man story got me choked up and then all the stuff Josh said really made me teary!!! I guess when shit hits the fan, having someone there with you is all you can really ask for. Despite your stress and anxiety, I'm just so impressed with your general positive attitude. It's really holding you guys together. Sometimes it may feel like only a couple pieces of weak string, but deep down, the bond is much stronger. In any case, I'm really pulling for you guys!!!!
Monica, that is such a good comparison that the old man was like my conscience! It still feels so surreal when i think about that moment. I'm not a religious person in the formal sense, but i believe i am spiritual in my own way and it felt like one of those moments when someone or something was trying to tell me something. That happens to me A LOT and always has. I've always felt like there's someone else "with me".
Katie, i totally am a glass half full person, which is challenging at times because josh is not most of the time. I sometimes feel like i have to motivate him and i get sick of trying to be a cheerleader for life! I don't think anyone can become an optimist unless they truly believe it for themselves. But, it's been through our hardest times that i see how strong a bond we have as a couple. It's funny, because i'm the optimist but i tend to break down in the end, and josh is the pessimist but he's always there to catch me when i fall in the end. It guess it works well that way. but it would be nice not to have to deal with crap for once in our lives! oh well (sigh....) things could be worse, much worse.
Haha! It's like the post I just made...things could always be worse, and my little problems are hardly even bad...they're just SUPER annoying and frustrating and I want them to go away. Ha! Anyway, yours and Josh's set up is so great! At least you have each other to help the other one out. I hope you always have that. Well, here's to a better month in July right???? Time to start over and rebuild and look forward to better things!!
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