re-awakening

i have to admit, i have been dead for awhile. Physically and mentally. I have been numb, i haven't let myself feel things, see things, hear things. I touched but didn't feel, listened but didn't hear. Life put too much on me at one time and the only way i knew how to get through was to numb myself. Recently I finished reading a series of books, and i think that the are making me come alive. For the first time in a long time, I have begun to have these flickers of feelings again. Friendship, love, touch, sound, sight...Kind of like little flickers of a picture or a sound on a fuzzy tv screen. Not much, but just enough to know that something is still there, still possible, and there is hope.




First, came feelings of lust and love. feelings i hadn't felt in a long time. Not only for my husband, but even such things as a longing to have the company of an old friend. For so long i've felt nothing. Didn't care if i talked to anyone or saw anyone. These books brought back memories for me. Thoughts and feeling I once had but they had been buried under heaping mounds of life junk. Simple and sweet things, like love, passion, lust, creativity, inspiration...I feel like I can care about things again. Life was getting too stressful and droning...but at one point I had magic in my life, and I still do. This story helped me remember my own very special love story...




I always pictured myself sort of falling down into a hole and being able to see the light above me but i could never quite reach the top...i just couldn't get out. I almost feel as if I am getting there now and i feel so free...I think more than i ever have in my entire life. Now that I have begun to somewhat heal after many many traumatic events, some that are still very painful to think about, I can begin climbing out of the hole. I have more strength and vigor than I have ever felt. It is so wonderful to feel like things matter again. Like I really can do whatever I want if I try hard enough; now that I have my freedom back.




It's weird...it's like in my mind I can think about certain memories that are so painful and hurtful but now I can see them from the outside... instead of being so enveloped in the feelings that I didn't know how to sort it out. I can put some of those memories to rest; they will always be there but in a different way. They will no longer hold me down. With that lifted off of me, I have so many wonderful things to accomplish now.


It's one of those strange and unexpected blessings in life. Would I have ever thought that by seeing a movie, I would be inspired to read the books, and those books could change my entire life and help me heal and become a better person?! But I guess it all comes full circle...I mean, that is why I have always been drawn to art. To make that connection with people. In the same way these stories have connected with me and have helped me in my life. Back when I decided to actually pursue art I don't think I knew this was why I wanted to be an artist. For that simple human connection and understanding. The basic need of life aside from physical requirements.