lost in a literal translation

It's the inevitable roller coaster of the psyche of an artist. As soon as things are going along nicely and you seem to be happy with your work, you get hit in the face with a your own self righteous reality. As I have been merrily working along, I was perusing Milwaukee area art galleries online one night last week to see what kind of work is out there (my competition/my peers), I got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. My work doesn't look anything like the work that is out there...in other words high end art. This doesn't really mean it is worth what people will pay for it and honestly i found much of it to be self-indulgent and pretentious. However, I began to see my recent work as too "art student". As I backed the chair up from the computer desk and turned to tell my husband that I was afraid my work was too... (pausing to think of the word) he said "personal?" almost before I even finished my sentence.

I know my current work is personal and my intention with my work was to brush up on my drawing skills and maybe prepare something for a future painting. But I have come to have a soft spot for these works more than just painting preps. I love the softness of the line and shadow, the stark yet quiet contrast of the light and dark, the peacefulness of the pose, and the simplicity of the subject matter. Maybe this is because I have grown as a person since I have had my children and have a respect and appreciation for those subtle moments. Maybe that's all these works are meant to be. AlthoughI have always struggled to come up with something "avante guard". For example, I was browsing through a website of an old professor of mine from college and was awe struck my his artist's statement. It was pages long! And very much in depth not only about a culture of people and the way they live, but about the geographics of the landscape and it's isolation and the affect this has on the people who live there. It was very much a careful and in-depth study and interpretation of a socially relevant subject matter. I was really intimidated and suddenly I felt very small as an artist. And i didn't necessarily get it...what I do get is what i know. Am I doing the one thing I can't stand about other artists; creating selfish art?? After so many years of creating art in school and trying to please professors and getting through grueling critiques, I made a promise to myself that I am going to create art here on out because I love it. I have nothing to prove anymore. But I still strive to be a sensitive and relevant artist.

I tend to drift toward the human psyche when I create my art. I go inward, not out. It's who I am. But I wonder if this is my calling to create "outside the box" so to speak. Getting out of my comfort zone may be just what I need to do...